Is perfectionism really about holding yourself to a higher standard? Or is it fear in disguise? What’s the hidden root of perfectionism?
The hidden root of perfectionism
Think about it, how did your parents/siblings/teachers react when you made a mistake as a kid?
a) they yelled at you (“How could you do this? I told you not to do that! Why don’t you ever listen??”)
b) they insulted you (“How can you be so stupid?? Why don’t you ever use your brain?”)
c) they physically hurt you
What we label as perfectionism and our preference to get things done well can be the fear of what happens if we make a mistake. It makes sense that if, as kids, we were yelled at, physically hurt, punished, or insulted, now we can’t shake off the fear that something bad might happen if we get something wrong.
We might call it stress before the exam, anxiety before giving a presentation, or fear of starting a podcast. Anytime you do something new where there’s a chance of making a mistake, the old fear of what might happen creeps in.
Our mind remembers all the times we were punished for making a mistake when we were kids and it still expects something bad to happen. It remembers all the yelling, insulting, and/or beating. And our body freezes in response to those memories. It feels unsafe and threatened.
Overcoming the fear of making a mistake
But now we’re older. Now we know that if we make a mistake, we’ll be safe. If you miss a train, you’ll be okay. If you fail the exam, you’ll be okay. You’re safe.
Now that you know what’s holding you back is the residue of unpleasant memories you had when you were younger, you get to give yourself a new experience. You get to start fresh.
You get to remind yourself that no matter what happens, you’ll be safe. No matter what happens, you’ll be able to handle it. You’re smart. You’re resilient. You’ll figure it out.
Recognize situations where you’re afraid to do something new and remember that you’re safe and capable of going after it.
And when a mistake happens, talk to yourself like you would when you were a kid.
What did you need to hear back then? What would make you feel better? What would make all the fear go away?
If you didn’t have the support and encouragement you needed as a kid, give it to yourself now. If you never had a soft landing when you failed as a kid, create one now.
Feed your mind with new evidence so that it doesn’t see mistakes and failures as life-threatening experiences. Create new beliefs that will support the life and identity you want to build.
Read next:
Overcoming Your Limiting Beliefs: 4 Steps to Set Yourself Free
20+ Thought-Provoking Journal Prompts for a Fresh Start
Until the next time,
Ivana
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