What to Do When You Feel Like You’re Going Backward in Life

When I researched keywords for today’s topic, I mostly found suggestions on “what to do when you feel behind.” However, feeling behind and feeling like you’re going backward in life are two different things.

Feeling behind, the way I see it, can come when it feels like your life is moving more slowly. You compare yourself to others and think, “They’re already doing that while I’m still here. I have to catch up.” It’s as though you’re behind someone else.

Feeling like you’re going backward in life, on the other hand, can come when you have already ticked things off. You already did everything, but then you move from step 12 back to step 8. You’re not comparing yourself to others anymore. You look at your own life and think, “Haven’t I been here already? I’ve already gotten out of that. How am I back here again?”

What makes us feel like we’re going backward in life?

A simple decision can become the source of drama in our minds and give us headaches just because we perceive it as moving backward. We start to feel afraid of making the wrong decision, we judge ourselves, and think we’re failing.

Imagine going back to law school years or decades after you quit. Or going back to your 9-5 job after experiencing burnout from running your own business. Or moving back to your small hometown because the pace of the big city negatively impacted your mental health.

Whatever the situation, there’s both internal disappointment and fear of public embarrassment about decisions that make you feel like you’re going backward. It’s thoughts such as, “How have I been here, gotten out of it, and now I’m here again? What went wrong? Where did I fail? It wasn’t supposed to be this way.” that make what was supposed to be a simple decision unbearable. And of course, it’s followed by, “What will people think? Everyone who knows me will laugh and gossip behind my back.”

However, the truth is that, often, making a decision that on the surface looks like you’re moving backward is the best decision you can make. Changing your mind and going where you once were or doing what you once did can open the path to fulfillment, joy, and peace.

I’m not a fan of disclaimers, but this one needs to be addressed because it can be dangerous. And that is, don’t go back to people who disrespected you. Don’t go back to your ex just because dating new people is stressing you out.

Always ask yourself, “From what place am I making this decision? Am I making this decision from a place of self-respect and having my own back? Or am I going back to the guy who hurt me just because it seems easier than feeling lonely and being single?” Use discernment.

Reframing “going backward in life” as moving forward

“It takes courage to acknowledge you want something different, say, ‘Good for her, but not for me,’ or ‘Good for you, but not for me,’ and ignite a path that no one in your family ever took.”
— Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense

What if what makes you feel like you’re going backward in life is a thought you have about making a certain decision? What if it’s not the decision itself, but the thoughts you have about it? What if moving back to your hometown isn’t about packing your bags, but the self-doubt and self-judgment attached to that decision?

When you put it that way, you can view your situation from a more empowered perspective. Now you have the power over your situation, not the other way around. You can always reframe your thoughts and choose ones that encourage you to make a decision that feels right — no matter what it looks like on a timeline.

Think about it. There are many examples of people moving back in with their parents while they save up for an apartment. Even couples living with their parents or in-laws while saving for a house. Or business owners working a 9-5 or part-time job while they get financial stability. Or people in their 50s going back to college. Or people quitting their stressful, well-paying jobs and choosing one that’s better for their health, even if it pays significantly less.

This tells us that life doesn’t stop when you realize you want to make a different decision. You get to make a new decision, and life will still move forward.

There is no shame in doing any of that. You get to try different things, change your mind, and choose again. If you tried something and it didn’t work out the way you hoped, you will still move forward from there. There is no failure. Failure, in the same way as perfection, doesn’t exist.

If your headphones don’t work, you get new ones.
If your shampoo runs out, you buy a new one.
If your plan doesn’t work, you make a new plan.

Move forward instead of sitting in the waiting room, passively observing life, and overthinking how something failed or how you failed. It just didn’t work the way you hoped it would. Okay, how do you want to move forward from here? And then you decide. And in a few weeks, you can decide again. And that’s life.

And if or when someone disagrees with or judges your decisions, reframe it to, “Who put them in charge of my decisions? Do I really want to give this person power over how I feel about myself and my life?”

You know yourself best. You know how you’re feeling and what would be most beneficial for you at each point in time. I encourage you not to hold yourself back from starting again. Or going back to what you once left, if you know that going back is the healthiest choice.

What if this were your slingshot moment?

What can make us feel worried about going backward in life is the fear of making the wrong decision. But what if the decision you’re overthinking is actually the right decision? What if this is your slingshot moment? What if going back to your job or to your hometown is actually what’s going to propel you forward?

What if it will allow you to tick off some goals that you wouldn’t be able to tick off otherwise, that will open the door to your desired future?
What if, as in the examples I shared, moving in with your in-laws lets you save for the house you actually want?
What if going back to college will allow you to have a career you actually want?
What if getting a 9-5 job will allow you financial stability while you work on starting your business?

Oh, wait, suddenly it makes sense. (Notice how I didn’t say, “What if going back to your disrespectful ex will allow you to meet the love of your life who will treat you right?” No. There’s no going back to your ex in my books.)

The worst thing you can do is stay in a decision that you know feels off when you know you can make a decision that feels better.

Keep in mind that each decision will require effort. Quitting something just because it feels difficult and going back to something because you want things to be easy… That’s not an option here. You need to choose your hard. Every option will require something from you.

I am all in for putting in the effort toward what you truly want and what genuinely makes you happy. But the moment you realize there’s no reward, there’s a whole lotta stress, and it just isn’t what you wanted, stop, and reroute to something else.

Move through the fear of what it will look like to others. Walk over the fear of making the wrong decision. The fear will be there. I say dress up, go out, and walk all over it. Move through the fear instead of sitting in it.

Today’s topic — creating your own path in life, no matter what it looks like to others — is at the core of my book, She’s Intense. If this post empowered you, the book will guide you further. Start reading here.

Until the next time,
Ivana

creating yourself finding yourself

La Ivana Author of She’s Intense • Self-Respect & Personal Autonomy