If you’ve spent your entire life being too available and accommodating, you might wonder what happens when you raise your standards. “Will I lose people? What if someone gets upset? Will I regret raising my standards and setting boundaries?”
In this post, I share what to expect when you raise your standards as a woman. Going from people-pleasing to setting boundaries will, of course, feel uncomfortable. But that doesn’t mean you should go back to your default, where you were available to everyone else but yourself.
Let’s talk about what happens when you raise your standards, so you can stand firm in your confidence rather than prioritize how someone else might feel to the detriment of your own happiness.
1) questioning and second-guessing yourself
“If you even think for a second about giving him a second chance, ask yourself, “A second chance for what?” Suppose a guy cheats on you and asks you for a second chance. A second chance for what? A second chance to cheat again? A second chance to lie to you again? A second chance to disrespect you again? Because it turned out so well the first time?”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
We, as women, have been taught to be nice and polite to everyone. We were trained to always help others and make sure everyone is happy and content. So, of course, it’s expected that when you raise your standards, you will feel like you did something wrong. You might feel guilty for prioritizing what you want. You might feel selfish for choosing what’s best for you instead of overextending yourself to keep others calm and satisfied.
Questioning and second-guessing yourself often sounds like:
“Maybe I should’ve given him another chance.”
“Maybe I overreacted.”
“Maybe it’s not a big deal.”
“Maybe he’s right.”
Don’t gaslight yourself. You’re not doing anything wrong when you choose to respect yourself. Just like feeling sore after your first workout in weeks doesn’t mean you should stop training, feeling guilty or as if you did something wrong is perfectly common after raising your standards. You’re not doing anything wrong. It just takes time to adjust to your new pattern of finally respecting yourself.
Read next:
How to Know If Your Standards Are Too Low (And Why It Matters)
22 Journal Prompts for Self-Respect
2) your circle becomes smaller
“You get to have completely different standards than you did your entire life. It’s never too late to start treating yourself with the respect you desire from others.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
An inevitable result that happens when you raise your standards is that your circle becomes smaller. People will start to fall off like rotten apples from a tree. And this is perfect. Why? Because people who disappear when you raise your standards, set boundaries, and start demanding respect are the ones who benefited from you not having any standards and allowing disrespect.
On the other hand, people who stay and don’t make you feel bad when you set boundaries are the ones who care about your well-being. They are not in your life to take advantage of you. Your relationship isn’t based on how much you can give them. They know how important it is that you take care of yourself, even if that means that you’ll be less available.
So yes, the quantity of people in your life will decrease. But the quality of your relationships will be evident in reciprocity and mutual respect.
Read next:
How to Know If You Have Outgrown Who You Used to Be
8 Tips to Say No Without Feeling Guilty and Selfish
3) what once felt attractive now becomes disgusting
“Ask yourself, “If he kept behaving this way, would I be okay with it?” If you were to leave him acting as he normally does, without saying anything, would you like what you discover? If not, leave.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
This one will feel unexpected at first. But it feels incredible when you notice that the same red-flag guy you found attractive now feels boring and disgusting. The chase, the not knowing where you stand with someone, the will-he-won’t-he adrenaline… It becomes repulsive. You don’t even want to be desired by those same people. Their attention doesn’t feel like a compliment anymore.
And this shift will be reflected in who you allow into your life from now on. When you stop tolerating confusing, draining, and chaotic dynamics, what you’re left with is peace and clarity. Clear communication, rather than not stating what you want out of fear of being perceived as intense or too much. And peace of knowing that you’d rather choose yourself than someone for whose attention you have to fight.
Raising your standards is how you break patterns that kept you with the wrong people.
Read next:
6 Steps to Demand Respect in Dating Without Chasing or Convincing
9 Ways to Hold Yourself to a High Standard
4) high standards give you back your power
Settling for less than what you want makes you feel powerless. Not setting boundaries and putting yourself last slowly destroys your confidence. It gives other people the power over what you do and how you feel. Other people feel powerful when your standards are low because you become easy to manipulate.
That’s why high standards are not just nice to have. They are non-negotiable. The level of your standards will be directly reflected in the level of your satisfaction, happiness, and overall well-being.
When you know you’re not available to just anyone, when you know that if someone wants to be in your life, they need to put in the effort and treat you with respect, you feel powerful. You are powerful. Make sure that your standards reflect how you want to be treated and who you want to allow into your life.
If you liked this post and want to further explore how you can become a woman who respects herself, my book She’s Intense is for you. Over 209 pages, I guide you to uncover your unique path, make decisions independent of what others think, and never settle for less. Get it on Amazon.
Until next time,
Ivana
Want to revisit this later? Pin for when you need a reminder.
Wow that’s true and awesome you don’t need to stop doing what is best for you just because of someone