La Ivana Cert. Life Coach · The La Ivana Podcast

In today’s post, I’m sharing with you why I don’t want to have kids (ever). I’ll share the conversations I had around being childfree by choice, society’s expectations of women, congratulating women on their pregnancies (and why I never do that), and much much more.

Let’s dive in!

How do people react when I tell them I don’t want to have kids?

Since I was a kid, I always knew I never wanted to have kids. The same way 10-year-old girls dream of getting married, having a perfect wedding, and having kids with their future husband, I was dreaming about traveling the world and never having kids.

Every time when there were conversations about adult life, marriage, kids, and what we wanted our lives to look like, I would always say that I never want to have kids.

I got the same response every single time, ‘’You’ll see when you get older. Of course, you will want to have kids.’’ My opinion never seemed acceptable or valid to the people around me. People were trying to convince me that I’ll change my mind when I get older.

But here’s what doesn’t make sense

I’m wondering why is it never the other way around? When you hear young kids even when they’re about 10 years old planning their weddings already, and saying things like ‘’When I grow up, I want to have 4 kids’’, why no one ever tells them, ‘’You’ll see when you get older. You’ll change your opinion.’’

No one ever questions that. When you’re 10 years old, it’s completely normal to want to have kids. But when you say you don’t want to have kids, there is resistance from society and people think that’s unacceptable.

And even now that I’m in my late 20s, I still get the same response. What this mentality does is it puts everyone in the same box which is unrealistic when it comes to personal preferences and desired lifestyle. You can’t expect that everyone is going to share the same opinion as you.

Why is it expected that every person in this world wants to have kids? It’s just not realistic. Think about it. Some people want to be teachers, some want to be famous chefs. I always wanted to visit Australia, my friend always wanted to visit Portugal. I love dogs, my friend is obsessed with cats. It’s okay, we’re all different.

But when I say I don’t want to have kids, somehow people can’t comprehend how I’m not exactly like them sharing the exact same opinion as them.

“Why do I need to have reasons? When someone decides to have a baby, people don’t go around asking what her reasons are.”
— Emily Giffin

Here is another example of the conversation I had when I told someone I don’t want to have kids.

At one of my previous jobs when I was in my early 20s, I had a conversation with a male colleague in his 30s and I said how I never want to have kids. His response was, ‘’How can you not want to have kids? It’s a woman’s duty and purpose to reproduce.’’

Imagine that. Imagine that kind of a mentality when someone says that it’s the purpose of a woman’s life to make kids.

Women are too powerful to only live for reproduction purposes

Women are so much more capable and so much more powerful than sitting at home, giving birth, and doing that as their purpose. Women are not just machines to produce kids.

It is mind-blowing for me to hear this mentality, but I know that it’s so common. So many people are going to say the same thing, ‘’If you are a woman, you need to make kids. That’s your purpose.’’

Reproduction is not your obligation, it’s just an ability (and a choice)

Reproduction is not an obligation. It’s just an ability that a woman’s body has. Yes, a woman’s body can hold a baby for 9 months and push it out. But it doesn’t mean that it’s a must.

It’s not your obligation to have kids. And we need to stop looking at women as machines to produce children. Women are so much more capable than that.

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Women who want to have kids but can’t get pregnant

I said that reproduction is an ability that a woman’s body has, but I also want to acknowledge that there are many women who can’t get pregnant even though they want to. It’s easy to think that something is wrong with you and you’re not fulfilling your purpose because society teaches you that there is only one thing you need to do as a woman and that is to push a baby out of your vagina.

If you can’t get pregnant, it’s easy to feel like something is wrong with you. You might feel like you’re broken. I want to acknowledge this and remind women who are going through that not to hate yourself, judge your body, or feel guilty.

Society tries to convince us that all women must be able to procreate and that it’s the only purpose of a woman’s life. And yet, if you’re physically not able to do that, it’s easy to feel pressure and guilt or even hate your body because it’s not able to do something.

I want to remind you that you’re not broken. Nothing is wrong with you. You’re worthy of all the love and the life you desire for yourself.

Free download:

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Thinking that women are weak and that their only job is to reproduce

The kind of mentality that says that women are here just to reproduce sounds like women are too weak and incapable to do anything else. It sounds like women can’t have a high-paying job, focus on their careers, travel the world, or enjoy their lives in any way.

When we’re talking about how strong men and women are… Show me a powerful badass man who can push a baby out of him or carry a baby for nine months and push it out.

Show me a powerful badass man who can bleed for seven days and act like nothing is happening. Think about women who are musicians and are touring the world while on their periods. They’re jumping on stage, playing instruments, or singing, all while bleeding and having the biggest smile on their face.

Think about women in politics, waitresses, lawyers, cleaners, or flight attendants, doing their job perfectly while bleeding.

We have to show up even when we’re literally bleeding. No complaining allowed. Show me a man who can do that.

I mean, I love and respect men (not all men, of course), but this is just something to be acknowledged when we’re talking about how strong and capable women are.

SAVE FOR LATER 🙂

Having kids is a huge responsibility the majority of people is not even ready for

Before acting like, ‘’Oh my God, you don’t want to have kids?? You have to want kids!’’ society needs to realize that having kids is a huge responsibility. Not everyone is able to raise a kid and give it everything the kid needs.

Having kids is not an item to tick off your to-do list. Having a baby is a decision for your whole life. 24/7.

Are you ready for that? Are you ready for that decision in every single aspect? Do you have all the time the kid needs? Are you financially stable enough to pay for everything the kid needs? 

You have to be 100% sure that you’re going to be financially stable for the rest of your life and that you’re going to have time for your kid for the rest of your life. Because having a child is that big of a responsibility.

It’s not something you can say, ‘’Yeeahh, I don’t know. I’ll figure it out.’’ This’s a living being we’re talking about.

You can’t have the same answer for these questions like someone is asking you what you want to have for dinner, ‘’I don’t know. I’ll figure it out later when the time comes for dinner.’’

Having a kid is not babysitting someone else’s kid and being like, ‘’Oh my God, he’s so cute. I want one!’’ No. If you want to have a kid, you have to be ready and willing to prioritize someone else’s life for the rest of your life. It’s a huge responsibility.

Are you willing to commit to that? Do you even want that?

Parents who don’t care about their children (or leave them)

What I see is there are way too many people and kids with parents who don’t even care about them. There are fathers and mothers that never contact their children.

If you are a powerful badass man who can cum inside a woman then take the responsibility for that child that you created when it comes into this world 9 months later.

But so many parents just disappear. So many parents are irresponsible with their children because they created a child they weren’t even ready for.

So if you’re going to make a child, you need to be responsible enough to be a part of that child’s life. Which is not what always happens.

It’s too easy to disappear and act like, ‘’Oops! That was a mistake. Moving on.’’ And that’s irresponsible. It can create abandonment issues or trust issues in the kid’s life that will show up even later in their life.

There are people who have kids, but they never contact them. And I think that’s a conversation that needs to be held instead of trying to convince everyone that it’s only acceptable to want to have kids and try to change the minds of people who don’t agree with that.

There are men and women who thought they wanted to have kids and yet when the kid is born, they just disappear.

If you’re going to bring a child into this world, do it because you genuinely want to. Make sure that that child knows they’re loved every single day. Don’t make a child out of pressure and then leave them.

Why I don’t want to have kids? Why am I childfree by choice?

“The chance that we’ll regret it doesn’t seem like a compelling enough reason to do it.”
— Jennifer Westfeldt

Having kids doesn’t align with my values. Simple as that.

I’m not a family type. There are so many women who want to be mothers and want to create their own families. I don’t. I couldn’t care less about that. That is something that I genuinely don’t want.

I don’t have the desire or need to create my own family.

There are many people whose number one value in life is family. My main value is freedom. Living my life based on my schedule and my personal priorities. I’m also self-employed. I love having all the control over my schedule, my time, what I’m doing, and what I’m not doing.

I love my independence.

Is it selfish to never want to have kids?

“I always thought: there are a lot of children in the world. I didn’t need to add to that, you know?”
— Debbie Harry

People might say that being childfree by choice is selfish.

Because what I’m doing is I’m prioritizing myself. And I’m completely okay with that. I learned to only rely on myself. The truth is, everyone else can just pack their bags and leave. So, no, I don’t think it’s selfish to prioritize yourself and your own needs and desires.

However, what I think is actually selfish is having kids so that you have someone to take care of you when you’re old. Having kids so that you’re not lonely.

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Parents who pressure their kids to give them grandchildren

What I find selfish is when parents expect their kid to take care of them when they’re old. Thinking like, ‘’Well, I took care of you when you were a child so you owe me.’’

You can’t expect that from your kid because your kid has a life of their own. Maybe they want to travel or they want to move to another country and who are you to stop them. You need to accept that your kid has a life of their own.

They are an individual. Therefore, you need to acknowledge them as a person who has their own needs, values, desires, and dreams. You can’t dictate your kid’s life just because you brought them into this world. You’re not their owner and you’re not here to make decisions for them.

And, no, you don’t know what’s best for your kid. Your kid knows what’s best for them. Because they’re the only person living their life every single day.

Women feeling the pressure to have kids

“We talked about it for a minute, about four years into the relationship, but we just decided we like our conversations not being interrupted and our furniture without sticky grape juice on it.”
— Ellen DeGeneres

If your parents have been telling you your whole life how they want you to give them grandchildren, you need to stand up for yourself. If you never want to have kids and if you want to be childfree by choice, don’t be influenced to make this kind of life-changing decision based on what others want from you.

Maybe your friends are having babies and you feel pressured that you need to have kids, too. You don’t.

There’s also a possibility that you don’t want to have kids and your partner does. Do not compromise. This is not like choosing a restaurant or what you’ll have for dinner. That conversation could go something like, ‘’I want spaghetti for dinner, but he wants pizza. Okay, we’ll just order pizza today. Not a big deal.’’

This is not something that you should compromise on. Because this is a big responsibility for your entire life. And you cannot compromise with that. You can’t say, ‘’Okay, I guess we’re having a baby. I’m not 100% for it, but it’s fine. We’ll figure it out later.’’

Don’t try to please someone or make them happy by having a baby. It might seem harmless in the moment, but it’s a human being we’re talking about. You have to be 100% in.

Another thing I want to mention is that if you’re feeling the pressure from your parents to give them grandchildren, they might be projecting their own frustration onto you.

Maybe they’re not satisfied with their life. They might be frustrated because they don’t have much to show off to their friends, colleagues, or neighbors, and they want you to have kids so that they can show it off as some sort of success. Saying to their friends things like, ‘’You see, my daughter, she just had a baby. The kid is so perfect! We’re all happy.’’

Because getting pregnant is always something that’s celebrated.

Congratulating women for getting pregnant. Why do we do that?

When a woman says she’s pregnant, the entire world is like, ‘’Oh my God!! Congratulations!!’’

And there are couples who have been trying to have a baby for a long time, they genuinely want kids and for them, it’s a success when it finally happens. They’ve been trying for a long time and maybe there were some issues. In that case, congratulations, I’m so glad for you.

But the majority of pregnancies is a result of a random (too often accidental) 3-second orgasm. A guy cums inside a woman, and bam, she’s pregnant. And I mean, what is there to congratulate on?

An orgasm that a guy had that lasted for 3 seconds? Is that what we’re congratulating on these days? The entire sex maybe lasted for one minute. A woman probably wasn’t even fully satisfied. What is there to congratulate on?

And yet it’s always perceived as a huge success. ‘’Oh my God, you’re pregnant!! Congratulations!!’’ What are you congratulating on? The infamous! The epic! The glorious 3-second orgasm? I don’t get it.

So with that mindset, maybe your parents also think that getting pregnant and having kids is a major success. Even if it happens by accident and neither you nor the person who got you pregnant is ready to have a baby.

A lot of pregnancies are just an accident. And again, people are going to congratulate you no matter what. If you get pregnant by accident and you aren’t ready to have a baby, I think ‘’Congratulations!’’ is the last thing you want to hear.

But you can’t have kids just so that your parents can showcase them to their neighbors or colleagues like an award or a sign of some sort of success in life.

An option to not want to have kids and live a childfree life by choice

So many women don’t even know that there is an option not to have a kid.

What I’m seeing is female children playing with their baby dolls from the youngest age.
The other day, I saw a girl who was around 5 years old and she had a baby doll in her arms. And I was like ‘’What? Already?’’ She’s learning that it’s natural to have a baby.

So the entire world is programmed to think that if you’re a woman, you should want to have kids. That’s just how it goes.

There are YouTube videos where some women talk about why they are childfree by choice. A lot of women in the comment section of those videos are saying how they weren’t even aware that you can choose not to have kids. They naturally thought that one day, they’ll have kids. They didn’t even question if they wanted to have kids.

That’s because we were programmed to think that as a woman, you need to get pregnant one day and live out your reproduction role. So it’s like, ‘’Okay, I’m going to go to high school, I’m going to go to college, then I’m going to find my perfect ideal guy, then we’re going to get married, and then we’re going to have kids.’’

And that’s just the timeline that a lot of people are choosing and they are not even questioning it.

So I just want to start a conversation to empower you to make your own decisions that reflect your desired future. If you think that being childfree by choice is impossible, or if you feel pressure to have kids even though you don’t actually want kids, know that there is a choice.

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SAVE FOR LATER 🙂

Not having kids is the best decision they ever made

In the comment section of those videos, there were so many women at the age of 30, 50, 70, all ages, and they were saying how not having kids was the best decision they ever made.

The number of women who actually agree with this mindset and this lifestyle choice is really high. Now maybe you think you’re the only one who feels this way. And in your group of friends, maybe you are. But there are so many women all over the world of all ages who share the same perspective.

So, no, you’re not weird if you don’t want to have kids. And you’re definitely not the only one.

Fear of judgment and what other people might think

Don’t be afraid to admit that you don’t want to have kids out of fear that someone might judge you. Because no matter what you decide, people are going to judge you.

There are so many new mothers who face so much judgment for their parenting style, how they raise their kid, etc. So many other women, especially online, are too quick to judge saying things like, ‘’You should do this differently. Why are you doing that with your child? This is not how that goes. You should do this instead.’’ So much judgment.

There are women who think that they know better than you and they simply judge whatever they see.

And if you make a decision not to have kids, people will judge that, as well. People might say things like, ‘’Why? Naah, you’re too young to know what you want.’’ or ‘’What’s wrong with you? Why are you saying you don’t want to have kids? I mean, it’s your purpose. That’s why you’re on this Earth – to reproduce.’’

You’re going to be judged whatever you decide. So make sure that the decision you make is one that makes you happy.

Prioritize your values and don’t be pressured into making this type of life-changing decision.

And this really is a life-changing decision. Not just for you, but also, if you choose to have a child, that is going to be a pretty life-changing moment for them, as well.

And you need to take that into consideration. Are you ready for that responsibility? Are you willing to commit to that?

Make sure that decision that you made is a decision that makes you happy. No pressure from the outside.

If someone disagrees with your choice, that’s their problem, not yours. You’re here to choose for yourself, for your own life and to make decisions that align with your values, your desires, and the life that you want to live.

This blog post was first published as an episode of my podcast, called The La Ivana Podcast. Listen to the entire episode here.

Subscribe to my podcast here.

If you enjoyed this post, share it with others. Let’s normalize these conversations.

Talk soon,

Ivana

being childfree childfree by choice not having kids