La Ivana Author of She’s Intense • Self-Respect & Personal Autonomy

In today’s post, I’m sharing why I don’t want to have kids (ever) and what it’s like being childfree by choice as a woman. I talk about the conversations I had around my decision to be childfree, society’s expectations of women, congratulating women on their pregnancies (and why I never do that), and more. Let’s dive in!

How do people react when I tell them I don’t want to have kids?

“Not wanting to have kids is an unacceptable, mind-blowing concept for many, and yet it’s the most liberating decision for women who learned to feel guilty for not wanting to reproduce.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense

Since I was a kid, I always knew I never wanted to have children. The same way some 10-year-old girls dream of getting married, having a perfect wedding, and having kids with their future husband, I was dreaming about traveling the world and never having kids. Every time there were conversations about adult life, marriage, kids, and what we wanted our lives to look like, I would always say that I never want to have kids.
I got the same response every single time: “You’ll see when you get older. Of course, you will want to have kids.” My opinion never seemed acceptable or valid to the people around me. People were trying to convince me that I’ll change my mind when I get older.

But here’s what doesn’t make sense…

I’m wondering why it’s never the other way around. When you hear young kids, even when they’re about 10 years old, already planning their weddings and saying things like “When I grow up, I want to have four kids,” why does no one ever tell them, “You’ll see when you get older. You’ll change your mind.” No one ever questions a 10-year-old kid who already wants to have four kids. When you’re 10 years old, it’s completely normal to want kids. But when you say you don’t want kids, society pushes back and people think it’s unacceptable.

And even now, decades later, I still get the same reaction. This mentality puts everyone in the same box, which is unrealistic when it comes to personal preferences and desired lifestyles. You can’t expect everyone to share your opinion. Why is it expected that everyone in the world wants to have kids? It’s just not realistic. Think about it. Some people want to be teachers, some want to be famous chefs. I always wanted to visit Australia; my friend always wanted to visit Portugal. I love cats; you might prefer dogs. It’s okay. We’re all different.

But when I say I don’t want to have kids, somehow people can’t comprehend that I’m not exactly like them, sharing the exact same opinion as them.

“Why do I need to have reasons? When someone decides to have a baby, people don’t go around asking what her reasons are.”
— Emily Giffin

Here is another example of the conversation I had when I told someone I didn’t want to have kids. At one of my previous jobs, when I was in my early 20s, I had a conversation with a male colleague in his 30s, and I told him that I never wanted to have kids. His response was, “How can you not want to have kids? It’s a woman’s duty and purpose to reproduce.” Imagine that. Imagine that kind of mentality when someone says that it’s the purpose of a woman’s life to have kids.

Read next:
Can Women Be Happy Without Ever Having Children? A Childfree Woman’s Perspective

Women are too powerful to only live for reproduction purposes

Women are so much more capable and so much more powerful than sitting at home, giving birth, and quietly accepting that as their purpose. Women are not just machines to produce kids. It’s mind-blowing for me to hear this mentality, but I know that it’s so common. So many people are going to say the same thing: “If you are a woman, you need to reproduce. That’s your purpose.”

Reproduction is not your obligation; it’s just an ability (and a choice)

Reproduction is not an obligation. It’s just an ability that a woman’s body has. Yes, a woman’s body can hold a baby for 9 months and push it out. But it doesn’t mean that it’s a must. It’s not your obligation to have kids. And we need to stop looking at women as machines to produce children. Women are so much more capable than that.

Women who want to have kids but can’t get pregnant

I said that reproduction is an ability that a woman’s body has, but I also want to acknowledge that many women can’t get pregnant even though they want to. It’s easy to think that something is wrong with you and you’re not fulfilling your purpose because society teaches you that there is only one thing you need to do as a woman, and that is to push a baby out of your vagina.

If you can’t get pregnant, it’s easy to feel like something is wrong with you. You might feel like you’re broken. I want to acknowledge this and remind women who are going through that not to hate yourself, judge your body, or feel guilty.

Society tries to convince us that all women must be able to procreate and that it’s the only purpose of a woman’s life. And yet, if you’re physically not able to do that, it’s easy to feel pressure and guilt or even hate your body because it’s not able to do something.

I want to remind you that you’re not broken. Nothing is wrong with you. You’re worthy of all the love and the life you desire for yourself.

Thinking that women are weak and that their only job is to reproduce

The kind of mindset that says that women are here just to reproduce sounds like women are too weak and incapable of doing anything else. It sounds like women can’t have a high-paying job, focus on their careers, travel the world, or enjoy their lives in any other way.

When we’re talking about how strong men and women are… Show me a powerful badass man who can push a baby out of him or carry a baby for nine months and push it out. Show me a powerful man who can bleed for seven days and act like nothing is happening. Think about women musicians touring the world while on their periods. They’re jumping on stage, playing instruments, or singing, all while bleeding and having the biggest smile on their face.

Think about women in politics, waitresses, lawyers, cleaners, or flight attendants, doing their job perfectly while bleeding. We have to show up even when we’re literally bleeding. No complaining allowed. Show me a man who can do that.

Having kids is a huge responsibility that the majority of people is not even ready for

“I wasn’t ready either, but you will figure it out as you go” is a good argument for traveling somewhere new for the first time. But it is not a valid argument for creating a real human being that you have to stay next to for years to come. It’s not even an argument. It’s a thought that didn’t require much thinking.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense

Before making unnecessary comments like, “Oh my God, you don’t want to have kids?? You have to want kids!” society needs to realize that having kids is a huge responsibility. Not everyone is able to raise a kid and give it everything it needs. Having kids is not a 5-minute task to tick off your to-do list. Having a baby is a decision for your whole life. 24/7.
Are you ready for that? Are you ready for that decision in every single aspect? Do you have all the time the kid needs? Are you financially stable enough to pay for everything the kid needs? 

You have to be 100% sure that you’re going to be financially stable for the rest of your life and that you’re going to have time for your kid for the rest of your life. Because having a child is that big of a responsibility. It’s not something you can say, “Yeeahh, I don’t know. I’ll figure it out.” This’s a living being we’re talking about.

You can’t have the same answer for these questions as when someone is asking you what you want to have for dinner: “I don’t know. I’ll figure it out later when the time comes for dinner.”

Having a kid is not babysitting someone else’s kid and thinking, “Oh my God, he’s so cute. I want one!” No. If you want to have a kid, you have to be ready and willing to prioritize someone else’s life for the rest of your life. It’s a huge responsibility.

Are you willing to commit to that? Do you even want that?

Parents who don’t care about their children (or leave them)

What I see is that there are way too many people and kids with parents who don’t even care about them. Some fathers and mothers never contact their children. Here’s what I think: If you ejaculate inside a woman, then take responsibility for the child that you created when it comes into this world 9 months later. But so many parents just disappear. So many parents are irresponsible with their children because they created a child they weren’t even ready for.

So if you’re going to make a child, you need to be responsible enough to be a part of that child’s life, which is not what always happens. It’s too easy to disappear and act like, “Oops! That was a mistake. Moving on.” And that’s irresponsible. It can create abandonment or trust issues in a kid’s life that will show up later.

Some people have kids, but never contact them. And I think that’s a conversation that needs to be held instead of trying to convince everyone that it’s only acceptable to want to have kids and try to change the minds of people who don’t agree with that. Some men and women thought they wanted to have kids, and yet when the kid is born, they disappear.

If you’re going to bring a child into this world, do it because you genuinely want to. Make sure that the child knows they’re loved every single day. Don’t make a child out of pressure and then leave them.

Why don’t I want to have kids? Why am I childfree by choice?

“The chance that we’ll regret it doesn’t seem like a compelling enough reason to do it.”
— Jennifer Westfeldt

Having kids doesn’t align with my values. Simple as that. I’m not a family type. There are so many women who want to be mothers and build their own families. I don’t. I couldn’t care less about that. That is something that I genuinely don’t want. I don’t have the desire or need to create my own family.
There are many people whose number one value in life is family. My main value is freedom. Living my life based on my schedule and my personal priorities. I love having all the control over my schedule, my time, what I’m doing, and what I’m not doing. I love my independence.

Read next:
Why I Don’t Regret Being Childfree by Choice: 8 Everyday Moments That Remind Me I Made the Right Decision

Is it selfish to never want to have kids?

“I always thought: there are a lot of children in the world. I didn’t need to add to that, you know?”
— Debbie Harry

People might say that being childfree by choice is selfish because what I’m doing is prioritizing myself. And I’m completely okay with that. I learned to only rely on myself. The truth is, everyone else can just pack their bags and leave. So, no, I don’t think it’s selfish to prioritize yourself and your own needs and desires.

However, what I think is actually selfish is having kids so that you have someone to take care of you when you’re old. Having kids so that you’re not lonely.

Read next:
Is Being Childfree Selfish or Is Parenthood a Personal Choice Too?

Parents who pressure their kids to give them grandchildren

What I find selfish is when parents expect their kid to take care of them when they’re old. Thinking, “Well, I took care of you when you were a child, so you owe me one.” You can’t expect that from your kid, because they have a life of their own. Maybe they want to travel, or they want to move to another country, and who are you to stop them? You need to accept that your kid is an individual with their own goals, needs, and desires.

You can’t dictate your kid’s life just because you brought them into this world. You’re not their owner, and you’re not here to make decisions for them. And, no, you don’t know what’s best for your kid. Your kid knows what’s best for them. Because they’re the only person living their life every single day.

Women feeling the pressure to have kids

“We talked about it for a minute, about four years into the relationship, but we just decided we like our conversations not being interrupted and our furniture without sticky grape juice on it.”
— Ellen DeGeneres

If your parents have been telling you your whole life how they want you to give them grandchildren, you need to stand up for yourself. If you never want to have kids and if you want to be childfree by choice, don’t be influenced to make this kind of life-changing decision based on what others want from you.

Maybe your friends are having babies, and you feel pressured to keep up and have kids, too. There’s also a possibility that you don’t want to have kids and your partner does. Do not compromise. This is not like choosing a restaurant or what you’ll have for dinner. This is not something that you should compromise on. Because this is a big responsibility for your entire life. And you cannot compromise on that. You can’t say, “Okay, I guess we’re having a baby. I’m not 100% for it, but it’s fine. We’ll figure it out later.” Don’t try to please someone or make them happy by having a baby. It might seem harmless in the moment, but it’s a human being we’re talking about. You have to be 100% in.

Another thing I want to mention is that if you’re feeling pressure from your parents to give them grandchildren, they might be projecting their own frustration onto you. Maybe they’re not satisfied with their life. They might be frustrated because they don’t have much to show off to their friends, colleagues, or neighbors, and they want you to have kids so that they can show it off as some sort of success. Saying to their friends things like, “You see, my daughter, she just had a baby. The kid is so perfect! We’re all happy.” Because getting pregnant is socially celebrated like it’s some milestone or achievement you just tick off.

Read next:
What to Do When Your Partner Wants to Have Kids But You Don’t

Congratulating women for getting pregnant. Why do we do that?

When a woman says she’s pregnant, the entire world puts the biggest smile and says, “Oh my God!! Congratulations!!”

Sure, some couples have been trying to have a baby for a long time. They genuinely want kids, and for them, it’s a success when it finally happens. They’ve been trying for a long time, and maybe there were some issues and obstacles. In that case, congratulations; I’m glad for you.

But the majority of pregnancies is a result of a random (too often accidental) 3-second orgasm. A guy ejaculates inside a woman, and bam, she’s pregnant. And I mean, what is there to congratulate on? An orgasm that a guy had that lasted for 3 seconds? Is that what we’re congratulating on these days? The entire sex may have lasted for one minute. A woman probably wasn’t even fully satisfied. What is there to congratulate on?

And yet it’s always perceived as a huge success. “Oh my God, you’re pregnant!! Congratulations!!” What are you congratulating on? The infamous! The epic! The glorious 3-second orgasm? I don’t get it.

So with that mindset, maybe your parents also think that getting pregnant and having kids is a major success. Even if it happens by accident, and neither you nor the person who got you pregnant is ready to have a baby. A lot of pregnancies are just an accident. And again, people are going to congratulate you no matter what. If you get pregnant by accident and you aren’t ready to have a baby, I think “Congratulations!” is the last thing you want to hear.

But you can’t have kids just so that your parents can showcase them to their neighbors or colleagues like an award or a sign of some sort of success in life.

An option to not want to have kids and live a childfree life by choice

“Not wanting to have kids is perfectly valid. It’s okay. You don’t even have to like kids. There’s also a perfectly fine option where you like kids but don’t want them for yourself. Just like you can like dolphins without feeling the need to get one for yourself.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense

So many women don’t even know that there is an option not to have a kid. I often see female children playing with their baby dolls from the youngest age. The other day, I saw a girl who was around 3 years old, and she had a baby doll in her arms. And I was thinking, “What? Already?” She’s learning that it’s natural and expected of her to have a baby. So the entire world is programmed to think that if you’re a woman, you should want to have kids. That’s just how it goes.
There are YouTube videos where women talk about why they are childfree by choice. A lot of women in the comment section of those videos are saying how they weren’t even aware that you can choose not to have kids. They naturally thought that one day, they would have kids. They didn’t even question if they wanted to have kids.

That’s because we were taught to think that as a woman, you need to get pregnant one day and live out your reproductive role. So you thought your timeline was, “Okay, I’m going to go to high school, I’m going to go to college, then I’m going to find my perfect ideal guy, then we’re going to get married, and then we’re going to have kids.”

And that’s the default timeline that a lot of women are following, and they are not even questioning it. So I want to start a conversation to empower you to make your own decisions that reflect your desired future. If you think that being childfree by choice is impossible, or if you feel pressure to have kids even though you don’t actually want kids, know that there is a choice.

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Not having kids is the best decision they have ever made

In the comment section of those videos, there were many women at the age of 30, 50, 70, all ages, and they were saying how not having kids was the best decision they ever made.

The number of women who actually agree with this mindset and this lifestyle choice is really high. Now maybe you think you’re the only one who feels this way. And in your group of friends, maybe you are. But there are so many women worldwide, of all ages, who share the same perspective.

So, no, you’re not weird if you don’t want to have kids. And you’re definitely not the only one.

Fear of judgment and what other people might think

Don’t be afraid to admit that you don’t want to have kids out of fear that someone might judge you. Because no matter what you decide, people are going to judge you.

Many new mothers face judgment for their parenting style, how they raise their kid, etc. Many other women, especially online, are too quick to judge, saying things like, “You should do this differently. Why are you doing that with your child? This is not how that goes. You should do this instead.” There are women who think that they know better than you and they simply judge whatever they see.

And if you make a decision not to have kids, people will judge that, as well. People might say things like, “Why? Naah, you’re too young to know what you want. You’ll change your mind.” or ‘’What’s wrong with you? Why are you saying you don’t want to have kids? I mean, it’s your purpose. That’s why you’re on this earth, to reproduce.’’

You’re going to be judged, whatever you decide. So make sure the decision you make is one that makes you happy. Prioritize your values and don’t be pressured into making this type of life-changing decision.

And this really is a life-changing decision. Not just for you, but also, if you choose to have a child, that is going to be a pretty life-changing moment for them, as well. And you need to take that into consideration. Are you ready for that responsibility? Are you willing to commit to that? Make sure that the decision you make is a decision that makes you happy. No pressure from the outside.

If someone disagrees with your choice, that’s their problem, not yours. You’re here to choose for yourself, for your own life, and to make decisions that align with your values, your desires, and the life that you want to live.

If you liked this post and want more from me and my Uranus in the 1st house giving you permission slip to live your life your way, read my book She’s Intense. This book is a 209-page invitation to create your own path and never settle for anything less. Get it on Amazon.

Until next time,

Ivana

childfree by choice