What if you could choose your thoughts the same way you pick your clothes before going out? You try on different options (thoughts) until you get to one that feels really good and that you want to keep.
Sounds simple, right? So how can you do that? How can you choose your thoughts even when unwanted ones pop up? And when you get a thought you like, how can you make it stick?
In this post, I answer those questions and share guiding prompts to help you reflect in the moment so you can stop spiraling and master your mind.
Let’s dive in.
1) How to choose your thoughts when unwanted thoughts come up?
“Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you.”
— Walt Whitman
Imagine it’s 9 pm on a beautiful Sunday night. You had the best day. The apartment is clean, you planned the entire week ahead, you had a nice catch-up with friends, and you feel really good about yourself and your life. Suddenly, out of nowhere, that walking red flag that ghosted you three months ago pops into your mind. What do you do?
First of all, we can’t control our first thought. Out of thousands of thoughts our brain offers us each day, it’s expected that at some point it might switch from thinking about what would be the best name for a cat to wondering if your ex is treating his new girlfriend the same way he treated you to what’s Matthew McConaughey’s zodiac sign.
However, just because your mind says, “I’m wondering what’s Matthew McConaughey’s zodiac sign,” it doesn’t mean it’s your job to find the answer.
Just because your mind says, “I’m curious if Josh is still with that girl,” it doesn’t mean you have to stalk his social media to try to find the answer.
Just because you have a thought, it doesn’t mean you have to keep feeding it your time, energy, and attention.
Have you ever DNFd a book (DNF meaning “Did Not Finish”)? Started reading it and gave up when you realized it wasn’t what you expected?
Have you ever given up on a movie 20 minutes in and decided you want to watch another one? This is the same thing. Why wouldn’t you DNF a thought pattern when you notice it’s a waste of time?
So what can you do the next time when an unwanted thought comes up?
Ask yourself:
– Do you want to keep thinking about that?
– Would you rather think about something else?
And then you redirect. From there, your inner dialogue can sound something like this: “I’m curious if Josh is treating his new girlfriend the same way he was treating me. I wonder if he —- No. No. No. We’re not going there today. What would I rather think about? Let’s plan out this week. How can I dedicate more time to self-care this week? Ooh, I could book a massage!”
You see what you did here? You noticed your thought, realized you don’t want to go in that direction, intercepted the thought pattern with awareness, and decided to redirect and choose your thoughts. As if you are the master of your mind (which you are).
You can do the same if you want to start a podcast and your brain immediately goes into “Yeah, right. As if the world needs another podcast.” Ask yourself, “Do I really want to keep thinking that?” and choose another, a more beneficial, focus.
So when a thought that you’d rather not think about comes up, ask yourself:
– Where do you want to go from there?
– Do you want to keep feeding those thoughts?
– What actually needs your focus right now?
Will it take practice to start noticing unwanted thoughts faster? Yes. When you start to retrain your mind, it might take a few minutes until you realize that you’re thinking about something that’s not serving you.
It doesn’t matter how long it takes. The moment you recognize your mind is going in the direction that’s not benefiting you, stop, and choose your thoughts again.
Read next:
3 Signs Of Self-Sabotage: Are You Sabotaging Your Own Success?
How to Feel Happier in Your Daily Life
2) How to make helpful thoughts stick?
“Small steps in the right direction can turn out to be the biggest steps of your life.”
— Naeem Callaway
What even makes a thought stick? Any thought. When does a thought go from a random sentence in your mind to a belief? Is it when you repeat it a magical number of times? Or is it when you create evidence that supports your desired belief so that your mind doesn’t have a choice but to believe it?
Let’s say you’re single and you’re about to go on a first date with someone. One of your thoughts could be “What if he (or she or they or whatever you’re into) doesn’t like me?”
When we think thoughts like that, our mind doesn’t go into repetition. It won’t repeat the same thought 10 times. Instead, it will head straight into the evidence file. It will try to gather more thoughts that will support the fear of that person disliking you. So, to play the game your mind is playing, serve it evidence that supports the belief you want to think.
If the new thought you want to think is a powerful “Even if he/she/___ doesn’t like me, I’ll be fine. It doesn’t mean anything about me. It just means that we’re not a good fit.” You don’t have to repeat a thought you want to believe for 3 hours before the date.
Convince your mind and yourself that you truly will be fine even if he/she/___ doesn’t like you. So, reader, why is it true that you’ll be fine?
For the sake of the example, I’ll take over this one.
“I know I’ll be fine because I’ll still have my friends, family, job, and my life.
I know I’ll be fine because I’ve survived worse things than bad first dates.
I know I’ll be fine because I will get up again tomorrow and the sun will come up again and the Earth will keep spinning, whether he likes me or not.”
Add whatever evidence you need to make the helpful, liberating, awesome thoughts stick.
Read next:
How to Make Any Affirmation Work + 111 Powerful Affirmations
How to Know if You Have Outgrown Who You Used to Be
3) Learning to calm your mind
Our brains really don’t like unanswered questions, do they? Have you noticed the torture that comes with the “What if?” worst-case scenarios? “What if I get rejected? What if no one listens to my podcast? What if I embarrass myself? What if he doesn’t like me?”
Leaving questions like those unanswered often leads to backing out of opportunities that could be good for us. We end up giving up on our goal of starting a podcast, keeping quiet about what we want, and throwing away our dreams. Just because we haven’t calmed down our brains when they were afraid.
There’s a difference between being afraid of what could go wrong and preparing for what could go wrong so that it doesn’t stop you from taking action.
Let’s say you want to start a podcast. What can happen when we want to start something new is that our mind can start spiraling into “What if I embarrass myself? What if I get bored with it and give up after three episodes? What if I have zero followers after 10 episodes?” Sure, when you let your brain run in that direction… Who wouldn’t be terrified to start a podcast?
However, I encourage you to notice the fears and worries coming up and manage them. It’s your brain, after all. You’re the manager of your thoughts. It’s your responsibility to choose your thoughts and to make them work for you, not against you. Think of your thoughts as your employees. Since they’re all different, some will work best with gentle guidance, while others will thrive on straightforward tough love.
Suddenly, when you take over the role of a manager, the inner dialogue will sound something like this:
a) What if I embarrass myself? → You know what they say, “It’s not embarrassing if you’re not embarrassed.” So many people have started a podcast; it’s not embarrassing.
b) What if I get bored with it and give up after three episodes? → Great! At least I’ll know I tried and won’t torture myself with indecision and the “should-I-shouldn’t-I” drama.
c) What if I have zero followers after 10 episodes? → Maybe I’ll need to learn to better market my podcast. But hey, imagine having 10 episodes! Me? Having a podcast with 10 episodes? I think that’ll require a celebration, no matter the number of followers.
As the manager of your mind, it’s your job to handle the drama going on between your thoughts (employees). Answer their fears and worries and see how much it will improve the entire workplace (your brain). It will be such a good place to be.
Read next:
6 Steps to Prepare for and Overcome Obstacles
3 Mindsets Keeping You Small (and How to Reclaim Your Power)
Want to revisit these tips later? Pin this for when you need a reminder.
Until the next time,
Ivana
This is an amazing list to help with working on limiting beliefs. Thank you, it was a very good read and was very helpful.
I started journaling at the beginning mid last year and it has helped me massively with being positive. I will definitely start to. use some of the things you have suggested.
Really great post I really needed to read this today
Glad it resonated with you 🙂
Thanks for compiling this list. These are all great ways to manifest positivity in one’s life.
Yes, everything starts with our thoughts. Glad you liked it 🙂
I love how you compare this in our reality. This is helpful because as for now, My anxiety become high due to being perfectionist but Thank you for reminding me I need to rewrite my stars to reach my success.
I’m glad you found it helpful 🙂