I was just having a staring contest with my laptop while trying to think of what to write for the introduction. My Scorpio Mercury would much rather dissect the entire topic over 2000 words than do an elevator pitch about it. But then I Googled the meaning of the word “demand” to spark some ideas. Amongst other definitions, it said “claim as a right.” And that activated something within me. That’s what it means to demand respect in dating.
This post is not about how to get a man to respect you. I’m not the type of woman who’s going to go out of my way to earn someone’s respect. I’m not here to perform or beg for validation. Why would you even want to stick around and turn a guy who’s disrespectful into someone who values you? Absolutely no. Respect is your birthright. And to demand respect in dating means leaving when there isn’t any instead of lowering your standards, hoping a guy will like you more, and eventually choose you.
This is not about asking for or trying to earn respect. You’re not going to “pretty please” your way to respect. You never want to have to convince someone to respect you. Ew. It’s about knowing that it’s your right to be respected. And, what I like to add, ever so gently, leave when there isn’t any. Treat respect in dating as non-negotiable. As “I have to be respected.” Otherwise, you remove yourself from that situation. “Claim as a right…” I love it.
My Capricorn stellium kept this one organized with a step-by-step approach, so let’s begin.
6 Steps to Demand Respect in Dating
1) Do a Respect Audit
“Your standards dictate what you will tolerate in your life from now on. They can’t be applied to what happened three months ago, but they can be inspired by what happened. Standards answer the questions, “How do you want to be treated from now on?” and “What do you want to allow into your life from now on?”
— Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
If you’re done feeling like someone’s backup plan, being disrespected, and ending up disappointed over and over again, it’s time to do a respect audit. If you want to demand respect in dating, the first step is identifying where you’re losing it. Get curious and reflect on behaviors and patterns that have chipped away at your self-respect. Once you name those “respect leaks,” it will be easier to start closing the gap between how you’re treated and how you want to be treated.
Questions for reflection:
What actions or behaviors do I consider disrespectful in dating?
When have I felt dismissed, ignored, or undervalued in past relationships/situationships?
Who made me feel like my needs, feelings, or boundaries didn’t matter?
What exactly did they say or do that made me feel unvalued or taken for granted?
What actions, behaviors, or patterns do I need to stop tolerating?
Want more questions for reflection? Read next:
22 Journal Prompts for Self-Respect and Stronger Boundaries
How to Know If Your Standards Are Too Low (And Why It Matters)
2) Identify Where You Teach Men It’s Okay to Disrespect You
“If you even think for a second about giving him a second chance, ask yourself, “A second chance for what?” Suppose a guy cheats on you and asks you for a second chance. A second chance for what? A second chance to cheat again? A second chance to lie to you again? A second chance to disrespect you again? Because it turned out so well the first time?”
— Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
This is something many women overlook. Do you smile and nod when a guy insults you? Do you say it’s fine when he cancels a date for the third time in a row? Or you set a boundary but let him cross it again and again? In those moments, you’re teaching him how he can treat you and what he can get away with. This is not something to judge yourself for. This is valuable information you can use to identify what needs to change.
Encouraging disrespect can look like smiling through rude behavior, nodding along, or even joining in by making fun of yourself. You don’t have to argue when someone treats you poorly. Not everyone deserves your fight. And not everyone is worth fighting for. Instead, take a mental note and remove yourself from people who think it’s amusing to treat you that way. Don’t keep giving someone opportunities to cross your boundaries, insult you, or take you for granted. Go back to the respect audit you completed, remember what you learned, and start acting accordingly.
Read next:
3 Habits That Are Costing You Your Self-Respect
3) Honor Your Boundaries
To demand respect in dating, you have to honor your boundaries no matter what. A guy won’t respect them if he sees that you don’t. If you say you’re not available for texting after 8 p.m. but keep replying anyway, he’ll take that as permission to keep texting. He’ll think, “Why should I respect her boundary if she doesn’t?” The same goes for last-minute dates or any other boundary you set. If you tell a guy you don’t accept last-minute plans but keep saying, “Sure!” when he texts, “Want to meet in 20?” don’t be surprised if he keeps treating you like a backup option. If you keep accepting that behavior, that’s exactly what you’ll keep getting.
Treat your respect audit like a personal manifesto. Know your standards. Be clear about what you want and what you won’t accept. And stop allowing people to cross your boundaries. You are in charge of what you tolerate. Act like it.
4) Respect Is Not Something You Ask for
… it’s something you embody. Saying things like “I need you to respect me” doesn’t magically get people to respect you. To demand respect in dating doesn’t mean walking around with a sign on your forehead that says, “Respect me.” Instead, it means leaving when there isn’t any.
An example of this can be a guy who only calls you to come over late at night. What you need to understand is that he knows very well what he’s doing. He obviously intends to have you only as a tool for fun when no one else is available. You don’t say to that guy, “Hey, so I’ve noticed that you only call me late at night. Can we go out sometime in the morning? You know, just to grab a cup of coffee.” No. If you don’t want to be with a guy who uses you only at his convenience, you leave.
Now, some of you might think, “That’s too much, Ivana. Communication is key. He can’t read your mind.” And to that I ask, “Communication about what?” I refuse to communicate basic human decency. I refuse to teach a grown man how to act toward people — what’s nice and what’s not nice. It’s one thing to say, “I don’t actually like spicy Mexican food. Let’s go somewhere else,” because, of course, he can’t read your mind and know your likes and preferences. But it’s a whole other thing to have to say to someone, “Hey, I’m actually a human being, and I don’t particularly like it that you only text me to come over late at night, only when it’s convenient for you. It makes me feel like I’m not someone you’re willing to put effort into.”
Respectful behavior is basic human decency. It simply means not being an idiot toward others. It includes respecting other people’s limits and boundaries, not insulting or making fun of people, not being abusive or aggressive, and following through on your word. If you do the opposite of any of those, I’m not going to give you a lecture about it. Instead, I’mma leave.
Guys know that canceling plans, only texting you late at night, cheating, lying, and insulting you are all disrespectful. They are aware of that. Those who are doing that are just observing how much of it they can get away with without any consequences. They test how long you’ll stay, no matter how they act. My advice is to leave before it becomes a pattern. Leave before it becomes normal for them to disrespect you.
5) “What would I do if I respected myself?”
Following where this question leads you can save you additional stress, confusion, and disappointment. Make decisions rooted in self-respect. Next time you’re on a date, or you’re texting someone, and you notice red flags popping up or feeling discomfort, ask yourself, “What would I do in this situation if I actually respected myself instead of just wanting them to like me and choose me? If I didn’t care about being liked and chosen by this person, what would I do?”
Keep in mind that this post (and everything else I share) comes from lived experience. I’m no stranger to any of these. I’ve had dating experiences where, if I had acted based on these questions, I would have left sooo fast. I would get such a clear, “Oh my God, Ivana, leave! What are you still doing there??” Instead, we, as women, rely on potential. We rely on “Well, maybe he’ll change. Maybe, when he gets to know me better, he’ll respect me more.” No. If there’s no basic human respect, you leave.
Read next:
What Happens When You Raise Your Standards (4 Things to Expect)
9 Ways to Hold Yourself to a High Standard
6) Make Decisions Based on Reality
“It’s easy to say all the nice things, but backing those words with matching actions is a test that people who are wrong for you will always fail.”
— Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
When you’re just starting to date someone, or you’re still in the very beginning stages, you have to focus on what is. There are men who will say all the right things but never put those words into action. Follow-through is crucial. Doing the things he said he’d do is the bare minimum. As I’ve said, it’s basic human decency.
I’m one of those who strongly believe in, “If he wanted to, he would’ve.” Why? Because every time I wanted to, I did. Every time I wanted to make something work, I put in the effort. And all the times I didn’t really care? You could tell. My actions always match my intentions. If you want to demand respect in dating, you have to look at the facts instead of fantasy. The moment you start thinking, “Oh, but what if he… Maybe, eventually, we could…” is the moment you’ve already lost.
Pay attention to how he makes you feel. Sit down with yourself, and ask yourself, “If nothing changed, would I be happy with this? Is this what I want? Do I like who I am and how I feel with him?” And, as always, act accordingly.
If today’s post resonated with you, you’ll love my book, She’s Intense. Think of this article as the introduction. The book is where we go much deeper. Across 209 pages, you’ll learn how to set standards that actually stick, do a complete standards audit, overcome the fear of being single so you don’t rush connections with people who are wrong for you, protect your self-respect while dating, and build the confidence to stand by your boundaries no matter what. If you’re ready to stop accepting less and start creating a life and relationships that reflect what you truly want, She’s Intense was written for you. Get it on Amazon.
Until next time,
Ivana
Leave a Comment