La Ivana Author of She’s Intense • Self-Respect & Personal Autonomy

I’m a certified life coach, and self-confidence is my favorite topic to coach women on. In today’s post, I’m sharing life-coaching tools for confidence that I find non-negotiable. The goal of coaching is to guide the client from point A, where they currently are, to point B, where they desire to be. It’s focused on the present and desired future.

Coaching, by definition, doesn’t aim to give advice. That’s mentoring. Instead, a coach guides their client to uncover their own answers and what works for them. Also, a coach doesn’t dive deep into a client’s past to help understand the patterns, beliefs, and behaviors. Digging into a client’s past is for therapy.

Keep in mind, coaching is an unregulated industry, and each coach’s approach is different. Yes, you will find coaches who give advice and tell you what you “should” do. And yes, you will find coaches who like to dig into your past.

Today, I’m sharing a part of my approach and life-coaching tools for confidence that I use, including guiding women to gain self-awareness, create an action plan to achieve a desired outcome, develop helpful beliefs, and use tools for accountability. Let’s dive in.

1) The self-awareness scale

The self-awareness scale is one of my favorite life-coaching tools for confidence. It’s simple and effective. I recommend using it as a starting point. Ask yourself, “On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being the lowest, where is my level of self-confidence?” I suggest going with the first number that comes to mind, because we often rationalize and end up higher or lower than what we actually feel.

If the first number that comes to mind is 4, you could go in the direction of, “Wait, I started a conversation with a stranger this morning. So it could be 5!” Or, you could go in the opposite direction, saying, “I’ve actually been feeling really insecure in the last few weeks. I think it’s actually 3 or 2.”

So, without giving any explanation, what number comes to mind? The details don’t matter. This part is simply about choosing a number so you can have something to build on.

2) What would be different if…

“You can be gorgeous at thirty, charming at forty, and irresistible for the rest of your life.”
― Coco Chanel

The next step is to gain clarity on what would be different if your confidence were higher. In the previous step, if you concluded that your confidence is 4, I would now ask you, “What would it look like if your confidence were at 5?”

If you’re having this chat with yourself, identify what would be different in the way you show up if your confidence were one level higher. How would you feel about yourself?

How would you speak to yourself and about yourself?
Would you dress differently?
Would your daily habits and routines be different? What about them would be different?
What about your thoughts and beliefs? Which ones would you let go of? What new beliefs would you start developing?
Who would you surround yourself with?

Keeping in mind that there is no right or wrong answer, let yourself explore what would be different if your confidence were one level higher.

Read next:

9 Ways to Hold Yourself to a High Standard

3) What needs to change?

“If your joy is derived from what society thinks of you, you’re always going to be disappointed.”
― Madonna

Now that you have named what matters most, let’s do something about it. Self-awareness without action doesn’t imply change. On the other hand, when you pair self-awareness with actions that match… That’s when a new chapter starts. So, my reader, what needs to change?

This is not a job interview, so I won’t ask you to create a 5-year plan with actions to achieve your results. The world is overwhelming enough as it is. You don’t need to burn out in pursuit of building confidence and end up feeling worse than when you started. Instead, focus just on today. And tomorrow, focus on tomorrow. What can you do differently today that would reflect the change you want to create?

We, as a society, can often fall into the trap of romanticizing the big flashy transformations and underestimate the power of small tweaks and mindset shifts. But it’s those exact tweaks and shifts that lead to bigger change.

Here are some examples of what I mean by small tweaks. It could sound like you saying:
– Instead of posting selfies on social media to get someone’s “like”, I’ll tell myself that I look good and let that be enough for today.
– I will wear my new top even though I ate an entire bowl of pasta for lunch. I just love that top so much.
– Instead of disappearing after today’s pilates class, I will start a conversation with one person. (Even just commenting on the class, whether you enjoyed it or if it was difficult, will get another person to respond. Over time, the interactions add up, build momentum, and you can make a friend to spend time with even outside of classes.)
And so on and so forth.

The goal is to add small, sustainable, doable adjustments instead of packing your to-do list with 24 things you could do to build confidence. Let your process be your process and go at your own pace.

Read next:

How to Know if You Have Outgrown Who You Used to Be

How to Know If Your Standards Are Too Low (And Why It Matters)

4) Creating new beliefs

“My mom said to me, ‘You know, sweetheart, one day you should settle down and marry a rich man,’ and I said, ‘Mom, I am a rich man.”
― Cher

What are some beliefs that hold you back from making progress? It could be thoughts that you’re not good enough, qualified enough, interesting enough, or “there” yet. But what if you challenged those thoughts instead of letting them control your life?

First, identify whether the thought is serving you or limiting you. Does it propel you to take action or keep you in fear and inaction?

Then, get curious about what you would like to think instead. Perhaps you want to think that you are qualified enough or good enough or even if you’re not experienced enough, you’re willing to learn.

When you get clear on the new belief, find the evidence that supports it. If the belief you want is “I can absolutely do this!”, list examples of different times and situations when you thought you weren’t “ready yet” but you managed to figure it out. If you want more guidance on how to choose your thoughts, make new beliefs stick, and make any affirmation work in no time, read the two blog posts linked below.

Choose Your Thoughts: How to Stop Spiraling and Rewire Your Mind

How to Make Any Affirmation Work + 111 Powerful Affirmations

5) Progress-focused check-ins

“I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.”
― Coco Chanel

It’s easy to be hard on ourselves and focus on what we have yet to accomplish or what we could’ve done better. But focusing on what’s working is one of the best life-coaching tools for confidence and self-esteem.

I encourage you to simplify this process so it’s more sustainable as a habit. Do it in the evening as you’re doing your skincare or once a week when you have a day off and want to reflect on all the things that are going well.

Ask yourself questions like “What has been going well this week?” or “What changes am I noticing?” Look at the progress you’ve made. Consider how far you’ve come compared to where you were 5 years ago, a year ago, or even if you noticed subtle changes throughout the week.

Maybe you realize that you’ve been trusting your intuition more instead of asking for others’ opinions. Maybe you’ve been talking to more people, dressing more in line with your Leo Venus, or asking questions in meetings instead of trying to seem certain even when you don’t understand something.

Sure, acknowledge what’s been difficult, but always come back to the progress you made. No matter how small, it all adds up and elevates how you see yourself. And we always act in alignment with how we see ourselves.

Want to revisit these tips later? Pin this for when you need a reminder.

Until the next time,
Ivana

building confidence self-confidence