In this blog post, you will learn mindset shifts to make and actions you can take to say no without feeling guilty. You will learn how to deal with the feeling that you’re letting someone down when saying no.
This process can’t be summarized in one single action step. Instead, it takes a lot of awareness, a lot of realizations, and aha moments, which I’ll talk about today.
So let’s dive in.
1. Realize that by saying yes to others when you actually want to say no, you are saying no to yourself
If, for example, you wanted to drive to the beach tomorrow and you were looking forward to that the whole week, and your friend suddenly shows up and asks you, ‘’Hey, can you please lend me your car? My car broke down yesterday.’’
And you reply, ‘’Yes! Sure, no problem.’’ What you need to realize is that you’re actually saying no to yourself. And saying no to yourself just to keep the peace is a guaranteed path to frustration, bitterness, and resentment.
To avoid the potential frustration and resentment, get into the habit of asking yourself ”Am I making this decision out of obligation or desire?” And choose accordingly.
2. Set clear boundaries
“The hardest part about setting boundaries with people, no matter who they are, is not feeling confident in our authority to do so. As long as you realize that setting boundaries is necessary for healthy relationships, you will feel better defining and keeping them’’
– Tamera Mowry-Housley
When you’re in a position I mentioned in the previous step, you’re putting yourself last, and you feel obligated to do everything for others.
Why? Because you are afraid of what might happen if you say no to them.
It doesn’t have to be a friend, it can be your family member or your colleague or a new guy you like or whoever. Is there someone (or multiple people) who is always asking you to do something and so often you say yes, even though you want to say no?
And what I want you to ask yourself is, why are you doing that? What are you afraid of? What do you think will happen if you say no and if you set boundaries? Also, what do you think will happen if you stand up for yourself?
When you start saying no to others, you have to realize that it will take a while to get used to putting yourself first if you spent your whole life pleasing others.
And it’s going to be uncomfortable at first. However, setting boundaries is essential for your own mental health and overall satisfaction in life.
3. Know that it’s not your problem if others get mad because you put yourself first
“It’s not selfish, but selfless to be first, to be as good as possible to you, to take care of you, to keep you whole and healthy, that doesn’t mean that you disregard everything and everyone, but you gotta keep your cup full.”
– Iyanla Vanzant
If you’re still kind when you say no to others and the other person gets mad at you for not prioritizing them, it’s not your problem.
We are all responsible for our own emotions, and if someone’s ego gets hurt because you chose yourself – that’s none of your business.
Life is too short to try to make others happy. Focus on making yourself happy. You have to do things that align with your values. You have to stop being desperate and stop living in fear of what might happen if you say no. In fear of what might happen if you put yourself first.
You have only this one life and you don’t have the luxury to spend it worrying about how other people will react if you put yourself first.
What’s happening in someone else’s mind is none of your business. You need to make sure your mind is stable and solid so that you can rely on it to make decisions that serve you.
4. Remind yourself that you don’t owe anything to anyone (it makes it way easier to say no without feeling guilty)
You have to remember that you don’t owe anything to anyone. You are your own person.
At the end of the day, when you go to bed, ask yourself – are you content with the choices you made throughout the day?
Regarding the example I mentioned in the first step, let’s say that someone asked you to lend them your car and you wanted to drive to the beach tomorrow, and you still lent them your car, how are you going to feel about that?
You’re still going to feel bad because you had some plans, and you ditched your own plans, you broke your own promises to yourself to make someone else happy. To keep the peace. To make sure they don’t get angry or disappointed in you.
Even if you say yes, and that yes is not aligned with what you actually want to do, you’re still going to end up feeling guilty.
So make sure that you’re making choices that are going to make you feel good about yourself.
Read next:
9 Ways to Hold Yourself to a High Standard
3 Things Highly Confident People Never Do
5. Make a list of behaviors you don’t want to be available for (things you want to say no to without feeling guilty)
“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.”
– M. Scott Peck
Take a piece of paper or open notes on your phone and make a list of things that you’re not available for anymore.
Ideas for things to include on the list of things you’re not available for:
– late-night texting with a guy who never messages you in the morning
– answering emails after 6 pm
– arguing with people who have different opinions and just want to fight
– zero-effort pick-up lines on dating apps
– last-minute invitations
What do you want to remove from your life? What do you want to stop doing? What has to go?
6. Make a list of what kind of people you don’t want to be available for
“Whenever you feel compelled to put others first at the expense of yourself, you are denying your own reality, your own identity.”
– David Stafford
Maybe you’re not available for people who are just calling you when they need something. Or people who always make fun of your goals and hobbies.
Make a list of things/people that you are not available for and start living aligned with that list.
How to apply this list to your life?
If, let’s say, you decide that you’re not available for people messaging you at 10 pm, then the next time you receive a message that is not so urgent and important, you just ignore it until the morning.
If you don’t want people to message you at 10 pm, then stop replying at 10 pm. It starts with you.
You have to stop waiting for other people to change. First, you have to make a change in your own life.
You have to decide what you are available for and what you are not available for. Start making the change from within.
7. Make a list of things that you want
Ask yourself what you want. When it comes to relationships, work, family, and friendships, ask yourself what you want. And then, when someone asks you to do something that is not aligned with what you want, that’s your cue to say no to that.
Let’s go back to the example from the 1st step. If someone asks you to lend them your car, but you actually want to drive to the beach tomorrow – if you had asked yourself what you want, then you would remember that you planned to drive to the beach tomorrow so you just cannot say yes to your friend because you made plans with yourself.
And then you would simply say to your friend, ‘’Unfortunately, I need my car tomorrow so I won’t be able to lend you my car.’’ That’s it.
No need to apologize, overexplain yourself, or come up with some crazy excuses. You had plans with yourself and you have to honor that. Case closed.
So the next time someone asks you to do something and it’s not an absolute yes, check in with yourself and ask yourself what you want instead.
And then take action according to that.
8. Start taking action based on what you want
Maybe you will still feel guilty in the beginning because you’re used to being a people pleaser and you’re used to making other people happy.
Focusing on what you want and prioritizing yourself will take some time to get used to.
But, the more you do it, the easier it will get. Just like everything else in life. It’s messy and uncomfortable in the beginning, but it gets easier with practice.
Remember one thing, you can read all the advice on how to say no without feeling guilty, but until you apply it to your life – nothing is going to change.
So don’t waste your time just reading articles about prioritizing yourself and improving your life. It’s time to start taking action on what you learned.
Start by making some lists that I talked about so that you can gain clarity on what exactly you need to change.
Then, remind yourself that YOU are the one who needs to make that change. Start saying no when it feels like a no.
The more you do it, the more confident you will become in saying no to others and putting yourself first.
Read my best tips for building self-confidence:
5 Powerful Life-Coaching Tools for Self-Confidence
6 Habits that Will Boost Your Self-Confidence
How to Take Back Your Power and Become the Best Version of Yourself
Until the next time,
Ivana
It is so hard for me to say no. This is really helpful. Thank you
Saying no is so hard for me as a people pleaser! Still learning how to set affective boundaries. Thanks for your tips!!
I’ve found that guilt can come from low self-esteem and feeling as if everyone around you is more important than you. Once you start working on your self-esteem, saying no becomes easier. And when you start believing in your own value, you realize that fulfilling your own needs is your responsibility. Suddenly, saying no becomes about a responsibility to yourself rather than disappointing others. Great post – thanks for sharing!
Something that I needed to work on, thanks for this. Sometimes its just hard to say no at all especially when you are not quick to construct the right words without offending others.
Sometimes the only answer is NO. Learning how to say it and knowing when to say it are important skills.