In this blog post, you will learn mindset shifts that you have to make and actions you can take to say no without feeling guilty. You will learn how to deal with a feeling like you’re letting someone else down when saying no.
This process can’t be summarized in one single action step. Instead, it takes a lot of awareness, a lot of realizations, and aha moments which I’ll talk about today.
So let’s dive in.
1. Realize that by saying yes to others when you actually want to say no, you are saying no to yourself
If, for example, someone asks you to lend them your car but you wanted to drive to the beach tomorrow and you were looking forward to that the whole week, and your friend suddenly shows up and asks you, ‘’Hey, can you please lend me your car? My car broke down yesterday.’’
And you reply, ‘’Yes! Sure, no problem.’’ What you need to realize is that you’re actually saying no to yourself. At the end of the day, you’re going to feel disappointed in yourself because you feel like a people pleaser, and you are aware that you are struggling with saying no to others, and somehow you end up saying no to yourself.
2. Set clear boundaries
“The hardest part about setting boundaries with people, no matter who they are, is not feeling confident in our authority to do so. As long as you realize that setting boundaries is necessary for healthy relationships, you will feel better defining and keeping them’’
– Tamera Mowry-Housley
When you’re in a position I mentioned in the previous step, you’re putting yourself last and you want to do everything for others.
Why? Because you are afraid of what might happen if you say no to them.
Can you relate to this? It doesn’t have to be a friend, it can be your family member or your colleague or a new guy you like or whoever. Is there this person who is always asking you to do something and so often you say yes, even though you want to say no?
And what I want you to ask yourself is, why are you doing that? What are you afraid of? What do you think will happen if you say no and if you set boundaries? Also, what do you think will happen if you stand up for yourself?
When you start saying no to others, you have to realize that it will take a while to get used to putting yourself first if you spent your whole life pleasing others.
And it’s going to be uncomfortable at first. However, setting boundaries is essential for your own mental health and overall satisfaction in life.
3. Know that it’s not your problem if others get mad because you’re putting yourself first
“It’s not selfish, but selfless to be first, to be as good as possible to you, to take care of you, to keep you whole and healthy, that doesn’t mean that you disregard everything and everyone, but you gotta keep your cup full.”
– Iyanla Vanzant
If you’re still nice when you say no to others and the other person gets mad at you for not prioritizing them, it’s not your problem.
We are all responsible for our own emotions, and if someone else’s ego gets hurt because you chose yourself – that’s none of your business.
Life is too short to try to make others happy. Focus on making yourself happy. You have to do things that align with your values. You have to stop being desperate and stop living in fear of what might happen if you say no. In fear of what might happen if you put yourself first.
You have only this one life and you don’t have the luxury to spend it worrying about how other people will react if you put yourself first.
4. Remind yourself that you don’t owe anything to anyone (it makes it way easier to say no without feeling guilty)
You have to remember that you don’t owe anything to anyone. You are your own person.
At the end of the day, when you go to bed ask yourself – are you content with the choices that you made throughout the day?
Regarding the example that I mentioned in the first step, let’s say that someone asks you to lend them your car and you wanted to drive to the beach tomorrow, and you still lent them your car, how are you going to feel about that?
You’re still going to feel bad because you had some plans, and you ditched your own plans, you broke your own promises to yourself to make someone else happy.
Even if you say yes, and that yes is not aligned with what you actually want to do, you’re still going to end up feeling guilty.
So make sure that you’re making choices that are going to make you feel good about yourself.
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5. Make a list of things that you’re not available for (things you want to say no without feeling guilty)
“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.”
– M. Scott Peck
Take a piece of paper or open notes in your phone and make a list of things that you’re not available for anymore.
Ideas for things to include on the list of things you’re not available for:
– late-night texting with a guy who never messages you in the morning
– people who make fun of your lifestyle
– answering emails after 6 pm
– arguing with people who have different opinions
– lame pick-up lines on Tinder
6. Make a list of what kind of people you’re not available for
“Whenever you feel compelled to put others first at the expense of yourself, you are denying your own reality, your own identity.”
– David Stafford
Maybe you’re not available for people who are just calling you when they need something. Or people who always make fun of your goals and hobbies.
Make a list of things/people that you are not available for and start living aligned with that list.
How to apply this list to your life?
If let’s say, you decide that you’re not available for people messaging you at 10 pm, then the next time when you receive a message that is not so urgent and important – you just ignore it until the morning.
If you don’t want people to message you at 10 pm, then stop replying at 10 pm. It starts with you.
You have to stop waiting for other people to change. First, you have to make a change in your own life.
You have to decide what are you available for and what are you not available for. Start making the change from within.
7. Make a list of things that you want (so it’s easier to say no without feeling guilty to what’s not on that list)
Ask yourself what is it that you want.
When it comes to relationships, work, family, friends, ask yourself what you want.
And then, when someone asks you to do something that is not aligned with what you want, feel free to say no to that.
Let’s go back to the example from the 1st step. If someone asks you to lend them your car, but you actually want to drive to the beach tomorrow – if you had asked yourself what do you want, then you would remember that you planned to drive to the beach tomorrow so you just cannot say yes to your friend because you made plans with yourself.
And then you would simply say to your friend, ‘’Unfortunately, I need my car tomorrow so I won’t be able to lend you my car.’’ That’s it.
No need to apologize or come up with some crazy excuses. You had plans with yourself and you have to honor that. Case closed.
So the next time someone asks you to do something and it’s not an immediate HELL YES!, check-in with yourself and ask yourself what do you want.
And then take action aligned with that.
8. Start taking action based on what you want
Maybe you will still feel guilty in the beginning because you’re used to being a people pleaser and you’re used to making other people happy.
Focusing on what you want and prioritizing yourself will take some time to get used to.
But, the more you do it, the easier it will get.
Remember one thing, you can read all the advice on how to say no without feeling guilty, BUT until you apply it to your life – nothing is going to change.
So don’t waste your time just reading articles about prioritizing yourself and improving your life. It’s time to start taking action on what you learned.
Start with making some lists that I talked about so that you can gain clarity on what exactly you need to change.
Then, remind yourself that YOU are the one who needs to make that change. Start saying no when it feels like a no.
The more you do it, the more confident you will become when saying no to others and putting yourself first.
If you need some support with this, join my free Facebook community of women empowering each other, building confidence, and achieving their goals. We’d love to have you 🙂
Read my best tips for building confidence:
5 Powerful Life-Coaching Tools for Confidence
5 Habits that Will Boost Your Confidence
How to Take Back Your Power and Become the Best Version of Yourself
Until the next time,
Ivana
building confidence creating yourself saying no without feeling guilty self-confidence
Thank you for reminding me of the importance of having clear boundaries. Saying no has actually been very challenging for me but it’s something that I’ll continue to work on. Thanks for the tips!
This post is a great reminder that sometimes you really just have to say NO. More that pleasing others we need to take care of ourselves and our priorities first.
Making a list of what kind of people you aren’t available for is something I hadn’t thought of. But very good advice! We often just want to please everyone and don’t
think that there’s a certain crowd who may be better for us than others.
These are all great tips! I’ve been practicing having clearer boundaries, and for people pleasers who don’t want to upset people, these tips are so helpful.
This is such an empowering article. Many of us are so giving to others but we also need to be able to understand that we need to put ourselves first. We have to care for ourselves so we can assist others.