In this blog post, you will learn mindset shifts to make and actions you can take to say no without feeling guilty. You will learn how to deal with the feeling that you’re letting someone down when saying no. This process can’t be summarized in one single action step. Instead, it takes a lot of awareness, a lot of realizations, and a-ha moments, which I’ll talk about today. Let’s dive in.
1) Recognize when saying yes to others means saying no to yourself
The first step to becoming more self-aware of your people-pleasing habits is paying attention to what you’re committing to. Notice when saying yes to an invitation means breaking the plans you made with yourself. Pay attention to the moments when you’re putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own.
Constantly saying no to yourself just to keep the peace is a guaranteed path to frustration, bitterness, and resentment. To avoid that, get into the habit of asking yourself, “Am I making this decision out of obligation or desire?” Then let your answer guide your decision.
2) Set clear boundaries
“The hardest part about setting boundaries with people, no matter who they are, is not feeling confident in our authority to do so. As long as you realize that setting boundaries is necessary for healthy relationships, you will feel better defining and keeping them’’
– Tamera Mowry-Housley
Is there someone, or maybe several people, who’s always asking you for something, and you keep saying yes even though you want to say no? It could be a family member, a coworker, someone you’re dating, or anyone else. From there, get curious. Why do you keep overstepping your own boundaries? What are you afraid of? What do you think will happen if you say no? And what might happen if you finally stood up for yourself?
If you’ve spent years putting everyone else first, saying no won’t feel natural overnight. It takes time to get comfortable honoring your own needs, and yes, it will probably feel uncomfortable at first. But setting boundaries is essential for protecting your mental health and creating a life that feels more fulfilling.
Read next:
How to Know If Your Standards Are Too Low
3 Habits That Are Costing You Your Self-Respect
3) Know that you’re not responsible for how others react when you choose yourself
“It’s not selfish, but selfless to be first, to be as good as possible to you, to take care of you, to keep you whole and healthy, that doesn’t mean that you disregard everything and everyone, but you gotta keep your cup full.”
– Iyanla Vanzant
If you’re kind and respectful when you say no, and the other person gets upset because you didn’t prioritize them, that’s not yours to fix. We’re all responsible for managing our own emotions. If someone feels disappointed or their ego gets bruised because you chose yourself, that’s their experience to work through — not yours.
Life is too short to make keeping everyone else happy your mission. Focus on building a life that makes you happy. Make decisions that align with your values instead of letting fear make them for you. Stop living in fear of what might happen if you say no, or what might happen if you finally put yourself first.
You only get one life. Don’t spend it worrying about how other people will react to your boundaries. You can’t control what’s happening in someone else’s mind, but you can take care of your own. Build a mindset you can trust so you can make decisions that genuinely serve you.
4) Remind yourself that you don’t owe anyone anything (it makes it way easier to say no without feeling guilty)
One of the most liberating realizations for people-pleasers is that you’re allowed to disappoint people. Not everyone has to agree with the way you choose to live your life. It’s okay if your parents are disappointed that you don’t want kids or marriage. It’s okay if your boss is frustrated because you quit in the middle of a big project. You’re allowed to make decisions that are right for you and let other people adjust.
You don’t owe your parents grandchildren. You don’t owe your boss your mental health by staying in a job that makes you miserable. What you do owe yourself is a life that feels fulfilling. Don’t keep letting yourself down just to keep everyone else happy.
5) Make a list of behaviors you don’t want to be available for
“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.”
– M. Scott Peck
Take a piece of paper or open notes on your phone and make a list of things you don’t want to be available for anymore.
Ideas for things to include on the list of things you’re not available for:
– late-night texting with a guy who never messages you in the morning
– answering emails after 6 pm
– arguing with people who have different opinions and just want to fight
– zero-effort pick-up lines on dating apps
– last-minute invitations
What do you want to remove from your life? What do you want to stop doing? What has to go?
Read next:
How to Know If You Have Outgrown Who You Used to Be
22 Deep Journal Prompts for Self-Respect and Stronger Boundaries
6) Identify what kind of people you don’t want to be available for
“Whenever you feel compelled to put others first at the expense of yourself, you are denying your own reality, your own identity.”
– David Stafford
Maybe you want to stop being available for people who only call when they need something. Or for people who constantly make fun of your goals or hobbies. Make a list of the people and patterns you no longer want to be available for — and start living in alignment with that list. How do you put it into practice? Let’s say you decide you’re no longer available for non-urgent messages at 10 p.m. The next time someone texts you late at night, don’t feel obligated to reply. Unless it’s truly urgent, let it wait until the morning.
If you don’t want people to expect replies at 10 p.m., stop replying at 10 p.m. It starts with you. Don’t wait for other people to change their behavior before you change yours. Decide what you’re available for and what you’re not, and let your actions reinforce those boundaries.
7) Make a list of things that you want
When was the last time you asked yourself what you actually want? When it comes to your relationships, work, family, and friendships, take the time to understand what matters to you. Then, when someone asks you to do something that doesn’t align with what you want, that’s your cue to say no. The clearer you are about the life you want to create and the people you want around you, the easier it becomes to recognize what isn’t for you.
In a world that constantly tells you who you should be, how you should act, and what should matter, knowing yourself is your greatest power. Define what success means to you so you don’t get distracted by other people’s milestones. Define what fun means to you so you don’t spend your free time doing things you don’t actually enjoy.
Make it your mission to move closer and closer to who you truly are with every choice you make. When you live in alignment with yourself, saying no without guilt becomes much easier.
8) Start taking action based on what you want
You might still feel guilty in the beginning if you’re used to being a people-pleaser and making other people happy. Focusing on what you want and prioritizing yourself will take some time to get used to. But the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. Like anything else in life, it may feel messy and uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier with time.
Remember: you can read all the advice in the world about how to say no without feeling guilty, but nothing will change until you apply it to your own life. Don’t spend all your time consuming content about prioritizing yourself and creating a better life. It’s time to put what you’ve learned into practice.
Start by making the lists I mentioned so you can gain clarity on what needs to change. Then remind yourself that you are the one who has the power to make that change. Start saying no when something feels like a no. The more you do it, the more confident you’ll become in honoring your boundaries, putting yourself first, and creating a life that feels aligned with you.
This topic, building uncompromisable self-respect and choosing yourself no matter what other people think, is at the core of my book, She’s Intense. If this is the path you want to begin, read it here.
Until the next time,
Ivana
This post is especially helpful for a “Yes” Person like me. It’s time to feel less guilty and be more honest! Thank you for the amazing article!
This post is so timely for me. I always feel like I’m being selfish when I say no or that if I’m able to do something I should even if I don’t want to do it. And ohhh the guilt after I do say no is so overwhelming. Thank you for this post.
I really love everything about this! It’s all so true. Thank you so much for sharing.
Great list. Thanks for sharing.
Ah I love this so so much! It’s hard to say no sometimes but you really do have to put yourself first!!