Leave. When your partner wants to have kids but you don’t, what you do is — ya leave. You get your things and go. Now, allow my Scorpio Mercury to make a case for this. Oh, and just so you know who the heck is even sharing this advice: hi, welcome, I’m Ivana. I never want to have kids, and I’m enjoying my childfree life very much so. Now let’s unpack today’s topic.
The options are: “Either I’ll hate you, or you’ll hate me.”
I’ll assume you’re in a heterosexual relationship where you’re female and your partner is male. If not, adjust this to fit your situation. Either way, when your partner wants to have kids but you don’t, and you’re the one who gives in, you’ll end up resenting him. Why? Because that’s what happens when someone pressures you into doing something you don’t even want. You’ll blame him (and, eventually, yourself) for convincing you to follow a path that you never even wanted. If you prioritize his desire over your own, let him take control of your life, and allow him to make your decisions — that’s a guarantee for lingering resentment and suppressed frustration toward him.
Or, if it’s not that, the alternative is that your partner ends up resenting you. If he wants to have kids, but you don’t, and he’s the one who shrugs his shoulders and says, “Fine. We’ll do what you want,” he’ll end up hating you. He’ll blame you and call you selfish for convincing him to choose a path he never wanted. He’ll act as though he had to give up on his dream for you, and he’ll remind you of his sacrifice any chance he gets.
There is no middle ground if you choose to stay in that relationship. Either you have kids even though you don’t want to, or you don’t have kids even though he wants to. Having kids is a huge decision that changes your entire life. It’s an enormous decision. Mind-blowingly serious decision. No-going-back kind of a decision. It baffles me how so many people will pressure you to have kids like it’s nothing. Having kids changes how you see yourself, your future, your present, your health, your ambitions… Everything. Or at least, it does for you. For a father, not so much. There are way too many men who said they wanted to become parents, and once they did, they fled. Nowhere to be found. Zero responsibility and accountability for the kid they once swore they wanted.
But even if your partner somehow beats the odds and ends up being the most loving and present father, you’ll still build a life of quiet anger, bitterness, and disappointment because you know that a life with kids is not a life you wanted for yourself.
You can’t “meet each other in the middle” and compromise on a decision that can and will change your entire life. This is when you need to be determined, unyielding, and relentless in what you want and don’t want. If your partner wants to have three kids, and you don’t want any, you can’t say, “Okay, maybe we can have just one and see how it goes.” Absolutely not. You don’t get a free 30-day trial with kids. You get a kid, and you’re locked in for life. That’s why, when your partner wants to have kids but you don’t, what do you do? You leave.
Read next:
Why I Don’t Want to Have Kids: Being Childfree by Choice
You are not a tool for someone else to achieve their dreams
“Not wanting to have kids is an unacceptable, mind-blowing concept for many, and yet it’s the most liberating decision for women who learned to feel guilty for not wanting to reproduce.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
There is nothing wrong with wanting to have kids. There is also absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. However, the moment one person starts pressuring another to change their mind, the moment there’s demanding, convincing, forcing… That’s when the situation becomes very wrong and unacceptable, and you have to leave.
You are not here to fix, improve, and make someone’s dreams come true. Your partner’s dream of becoming a parent is neither your responsibility nor your duty to fulfill. If you feel as though he’s pressuring you to do something you don’t want, leave. I mean… Ask yourself, do you want to be with someone who sees you as a tool to achieve their goal? Do you want to be with someone who disregards what you want? Do you want to be with someone whose goals are so different that they can’t understand your point of view?
Your only job is to make sure you live a life that feels true to you. Living a life you want is your responsibility and your duty. You are the one who gets to decide what you do, who you’re with, and who you’ll be. Other people’s dreams? Well, that’s just none of your business. No, this way of life is not selfish. It’s necessary to stop seeing yourself as a savior if you want to build a life you’re satisfied with. Stop trying to save people. Save yourself. Save yourself by giving yourself the life you actually want.
There is no scenario in which this relationship can work out
“I wasn’t ready either, but you will figure it out as you go” is a good argument for traveling somewhere new for the first time. But it is not a valid argument for creating a real human being that you have to stay next to for years to come. It’s not even an argument. It’s a thought that didn’t require much thinking.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
When your partner wants to have kids but you don’t, first, you need to take off your rose-colored glasses. We’re women. We’re willing to put in the effort. We see the potential. We hope people will change. Sometimes, our Pisces or Neptune placements can create an irresistible fantasy that makes us think, “Wow, this could really work.” It never does. And this is coming from my Neptune in the 1st house. I am no stranger to being devoured by an occasional fantasy. I found myself in “Oh, but maybe he will… But what if we… Maybe if I…” scenarios enough times to know that’s a very dangerous place to be — overlooking reality and hoping something will change.
We need to stop relying on a fantasy when reality is showing us different facts. Ask yourself, “Would I be okay with this if nothing changed? If neither of us changed our minds, would I be happy with this? Would this be the person I would want to stay with?”
You know that saying “Opposites attract”? It’s true, they do. But they don’t survive. Sooner or later, those opposites will pull you further away from each other. Relationships require shared values and a shared vision for your future together to survive. If your desired future is to be just the two of you, and your partner wants kids running around the house, that’s an immediate no. “I love you, but that’s not the life I want for myself, and it wouldn’t be fair to have either one of us give up on our dream.” And you leave. You can love him, and you can love who you are together and what you have built so far, but if you have a different vision for what you want in the future… Then you’re just wasting your time continuing to build something that’s already crumbling.
Read next:
Why I Never Want to Get Married (And Why That’s Empowering)
Just because it’s hard to leave doesn’t mean you should stay
“You can choose to listen to what makes sense to you and leave when the situation no longer feels right. On the other hand, you can decide to stay in a relationship that feels wrong and force yourself to push through. But is that the kind of relationship or marriage you want? The one where you have to “push through”?”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
Sure, leaving is hard. Leaving a relationship that’s good (other than having two completely different goals) is expected to be difficult. How do you leave something that’s good? But why do you need it to be easy? Ask yourself, “Do I actually need this to be easy to do?” These things are never easy. Don’t let the level of ease and comfort be the deciding factor in this. Focus on “Is this aligned with the future I want for myself? What decision do I need to make to stay true to myself? What decision feels right to me, even if it’s not easy? How can I honor myself in this? What’s the decision I can fully stand behind?”
If you’ve built a foundation as a couple and you’ve spent years together, it will be uncomfortable to leave. First, there’s the guilt. We, as women, have been taught to feel guilty about anything and everything. We can feel as though we’re the problem for not wanting something we’ve been programmed to want. “Am I wrong? Is everyone else right? Am I doing the right thing? Am I being selfish?” That’s the narrative that can come up because we live in a world that sees women as reproduction machines, here to serve our husbands so they can have an easier life. How about finally making your life easier by choosing what feels right for you?
Then, there’s the fear of being single and feeling as though you’ll have to start all over again. Or feeling as though you’ll never find someone who wants the same things as you. Fear of being single or ending up alone is so ingrained in us that it can push us to make decisions that are the complete opposite of what we want. Then, there’s fear of what people will say, what if everyone disagrees with you, what if you regret it… You’ll only regret following a path that isn’t yours. Make decisions based on what you truly want, and they’ll lead you to the life that’s meant for you. It just makes sense.
You get to live a life that feels like yours
“Whether you choose to have kids or not is no one’s business other than your own. Make a decision that honors your hopes and desires for your life. No matter which path you choose, make sure it’s yours.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
Has anyone ever told you that you get to live a life that feels good? Surrounded by constant bad news, gossip, judgment, criticism, complaining, and drama, it’s no wonder that somewhere along the way we’ve lost the belief that life can actually be good. But it has to be good. Alternatively, we wouldn’t have our unique likes, interests, hopes, and desires guiding us toward a life that feels good.
For the first time in your life, prioritize yourself and your desires. You’re not wrong or selfish for wanting. It’s okay to have your own vision for your life. It’s required. Otherwise, you can get lost in other people’s plans, hopes, and expectations for you. Following your desires is the safest way to live a life that feels like yours.
Start with this. Start by making a promise to yourself that you won’t change your desired future because your partner has different plans. Make a vow to yourself to never put your dreams below someone else’s. This is your life, and you must act like it. It’s not even a “could” or “should”; it’s an absolute must. The world will try to tell you who you should be, how you should behave, and what you should want. It’s an imperative that you take control over your life and be the only one calling the shots.
Never change your ambitions for someone else. Stand firm in what you want and who you are, and let the world adjust. And look, there comes a point where this conversation isn’t even about having or not having kids. It’s about allowing yourself to have a life you actually want.
If you liked this post and want more from me and my Uranus in the 1st house, read my book She’s Intense. This book is a 209-page invitation to create your own path and never settle for anything less. Of course, I talk about the pressure to have kids, fear of being single, and… Actually, I’m not going to reveal more than that. Just know that if you liked today’s post, you’ll be highlighting and bookmarking the book as if it were a college textbook. Get it on Amazon.
Alright, I rest my case. Until the next time,
Ivana
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