Motherhood was never a dream or a desire of mine. Never in my life, not even for a second, have I entertained the idea that it might be for me. I don’t regret being childfree. It’s a choice I consciously made. And today, I’m sharing everyday moments that remind me why, for me, not having kids was always the right decision.
Contrary to outdated beliefs, I’m not collecting regrets. I’m collecting moments of pure joy, knowing I chose a path that feels like my own. I’ve had people say to me, “Ivana, you’ll regret not having kids. Kids are the biggest blessing.” And sure, they can be. Some women genuinely want to be mothers, and for them, having children is life’s greatest blessing. To me, it’s not. To me, having my space clean, my peace uninterrupted, and my freedom of choice intact is a blessing.
We each define what a blessing is to us. Similar to the definition of success, passion for certain hobbies, and different bucket list items. It’s all individual. No one gets to decide what you see as a blessing. That “having a kid” blessing is the definition of a worst-case scenario to many women. To those who want kids, sure, it’s an absolute blessing. It’s a miracle, a sense of purpose, and accomplishment. But to us who don’t want to have kids, it’s not. Not even close.
There are many moments throughout the day that remind me why I don’t regret being childfree. Moments where I feel grateful for the way I chose to live my life. From hearing frustrated mothers yelling at their kids at the grocery store to having the freedom to quit a job when it starts making me miserable, because I’m not financially responsible for anyone but myself. Women who are childfree by choice don’t regret being childfree. We are at peace, grateful, and following our own definition of fulfilment, instead.
Now, let’s talk about everyday moments that solidify my decision to be childfree.
1) hearing parenting stories
“Not wanting to have kids is an unacceptable, mind-blowing concept for many, and yet it’s the most liberating decision for women who learned to feel guilty for not wanting to reproduce.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
This alone can be enough reason I don’t regret being childfree. Just hearing about the challenges that inevitably come with motherhood makes me want to keep doing my own thing. Over the years, I’ve had acquaintances and coworkers share plenty of parenting stories with me. Not because I was asking, “So, what’s the latest with the kids?” It’s just that, for many mothers, raising children naturally becomes the center of their lives. Suddenly, it’s no longer just about them. It’s about what their kids need and want. And if you add a partner who can’t cook a meal to save his life, suddenly you’re managing the household, cooking, teaching, driving, caregiving… The list goes on. The following examples are real situations women have shared with me.
A coworker had to leave work early to take her kid to get vaccinated. A week later, she had to leave work early because her kid fell and chipped a tooth while playing. Then she took a week’s vacation, which, as luck would have it, coincided with her daughter getting sick. So much for the relaxing vacation she’d been looking forward to for months… The other coworker got a call from school because her daughter peed on the toilet lid. It’s just one incident after another. You don’t get a break from motherhood. And even though both coworkers were married, it was as if their husbands were nowhere to be found.
Beyond these specific situations, there’s the constant uncertainty of making plans because what if your kid gets sick or no one can babysit? You might have to cancel anything you had planned, whether it’s an appointment, a trip, or a concert. Then there are traumatic pregnancy, labor, and birth stories. Can you blame me for not finding motherhood appealing? From my point of view, it’s just signing up for an unbearable amount of stress, anxiety, and worry (to name a few).
2) seeing exhausted mothers doing everything themselves
Have you met men? Do you know what we, women, are dealing with here? Because I like to be informed and understand both sides, I watched an interview with a couple where the woman was in her final month of pregnancy. She asked her partner, the baby’s father, what he was most excited about once their son arrived. He said, “Well, I’m looking forward to when he gets older, when I’ll get to do things with him (like play football and stuff like that). There’s nothing I can do until then. I’m not needed at the beginning.” Sorry, you’re not needed?
That’s the reality of how most men behave around their own kids. They act as though they’re not needed, and their presence is a bonus. They get praised for spending some time with their own kids. But mothers? They don’t get any time off. They’re the ones keeping track of the kids’ homework, where every notebook is, where every piece of clothing is, the name of the kids’ dentist, when the parent-teacher conference is… While husbands just seem to be floating around, unaware of what’s going on.
Motherhood is unpaid labor. It’s not easy, and it’s definitely not for everyone. Going through pregnancy, childbirth, then raising that kid… That’s incredibly difficult. It’s a path I never wanted. Looking at mothers doing all that themselves is yet another reason I don’t regret being childfree. In those moments, I’m reminded how grateful I am to have chosen a life that truly feels like mine instead of following society’s expectations.
3) observing mothers with children
“Criticism and judgment don’t magically disappear once you give in to the pressure and decide it would be easier to have a kid, hoping that it will make people quiet and satisfied. Once you realize that judgment is inevitable, you might as well make your own rules and stand firm in them, so that opposing opinions become just noise that doesn’t require your attention.”
— Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
At a grocery store, at a post office, on public transportation, at a coffee shop… I used to work at a coffee shop, and I remember a woman in her 30s who had two sons. I never once saw her finish her coffee. One day, she was in such a rush with her kids that she forgot to pay for it. Another time, she was sipping her coffee while her kids were playing, or at least she thought they were. Then she looked up and saw her older son urinating outside the coffee shop for all of her acquaintances to witness. She was mortified. Her day was ruined before she even finished her coffee.
But it’s not just that — it’s the way people point fingers and judge mothers behind their backs. “Oh, she shouldn’t have… She should’ve… If she didn’t do X, then her kid wouldn’t be Y. If I were her, I would do X so much better.” Everyone thinks they know better. No one does. No one can know better than you how you should live your life or what decisions are right for you. This one we actually have in common. Judgement is inevitable, no matter which path you choose.
In my experience, people think they know better in the sense that they’re convinced I’ll regret not having kids. They think I should have kids and get married. People will always have opinions. With my Uranus in the 1st house, I’m used to the fact that those opinions are most often different from my truth. That’s why it’s important to know who you are and what kind of life you want for yourself — so you don’t break under pressure when people tell you how you should live your life.
Read next:
What to Do When Your Partner Wants to Have Kids But You Don’t
Why I Don’t Want To Have Kids: Being Childfree By Choice
4) wanting to do something and actually doing it
This is one of the biggest reasons I don’t regret being childfree by choice. I have Mars and the North Node in Sagittarius; I have to be able to do things on a whim. Planning trips more than a week in advance isn’t really my style (unless I’m traveling for a concert and need to buy tickets). I don’t inform people of my plans and decisions. I’m also a pure Manifesting Generator. The 34-20 kind. If I want to do something, I have to have the ability and freedom to do it. I never ask for permission or external opinion on whether I should do something I’m excited about. And I refuse to live any other way. This, for me, is the biggest blessing.
Even the smallest things, like wanting to walk in a certain direction, check out a random store across the street, or take a five-minute break on a bench. I can actually do those things. And in peace, mind you. There’s no kid beside me yelling, “No, I want to go back!” or “No, I don’t want to go there!” or “You promised we’d go home!” or stomping their feet and shouting, “I want to gooo!”
When I go out, the world is my oyster. Sure, maybe I told myself I was just going to the post office. But if I run into a friend, I can spontaneously decide to grab a cup of coffee with them. Maybe I’ll end up spending two hours at the mall. Or maybe I’ll just go home, like I originally planned. The beauty is that I get to decide where I go, who I spend my time with, where I sit in a coffee shop, and how long I stay. I don’t have to base my decisions on what a five-year-old is in the mood for. And that, to me, is a blessing.
5) leaving and quitting
“I wasn’t ready either, but you will figure it out as you go” is a good argument for traveling somewhere new for the first time. But it is not a valid argument for creating a real human being that you have to stay next to for years to come. It’s not even an argument. It’s a thought that didn’t require much thinking.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
Now, let’s talk about leaving situations, places, people, or jobs. It’s much easier to leave, move, or quit when you don’t have kids. There are too many mothers staying in toxic work environments for their kids. They have financial responsibility toward their children, and they will endure the bad and the ugly at work for their kids. There are also way too many mothers who feel the pressure to stay in the wrong house with the wrong partner — for the kids.
Since I’m childfree, I’m only responsible for myself. I’ve quite mastered the skill of knowing when to leave and then acting accordingly. This is a big reason I don’t regret being childfree. I’ve heard stories from some of my acquaintances who had kids and stayed in miserable jobs for years. Raising kids is a huge financial commitment. That’s why many mothers stay with the wrong partners. Because no matter how hard it is, at least it’s easier when you split the rent, food, bills, and all the other expenses. Having kids keeps so many women trapped living a life they want to get away from. And that’s something people don’t talk about when they pressure women to have kids.
6) not having to hang out with kids
“You must not take into consideration the opinions or wishes of others. People will congratulate you when they hear you’re pregnant and then disappear. How many of the people who tell you you need to have kids are willing to give you money to buy them clothes for the first 18 years of their life? None? Hate to break it to your parents, but pajamas for Christmas and new shoes for your kids’ birthday just aren’t enough.”
— Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
Did you know that having kids also means having to spend time with other kids? I assume you’d be fine with your own, but other people’s kids? Being the designated adult in charge at birthday parties, playdates, one-day trips on a bus full of screaming children, and kids’ events (like workshops or movies). That’s a whole lot of screaming, crying, and constantly being on edge, waiting for someone to get hurt.
Having kids is a completely different world. Somehow, it’s not about you anymore. You don’t spend as much time with your friends, doing adult things or having adult conversations. Suddenly, you’re transported into a world that revolves around kids. You’re surrounded by children, watching kids’ movies, listening to kids’ music, reading kids’ books, talking about kids, and shopping in the kids’ section.
Is it okay if I simply have no desire for that? (Of course it is. That was a rhetorical question.) Now, as you take a closer look at what motherhood actually entails, you might realize it’s not just another box to check. It changes every single part of your life. And yes, it’s more than okay to acknowledge if it’s not the life you want — and to make your choices accordingly.
Read next:
Why I Never Want to Get Married (And Why That’s Empowering)
How to Be Authentic In a World That Wants Everyone to Be the Same
7) I can be as bored and as boring as I want
With my 10th house stellium, my hands are never idle. I published a book earlier this year, and I’m still writing 2000+ word blog posts. I always have something to do and more to say. But even with that in mind, I have a certain kind of gratitude for boredom. Or, how my neighbors would put it, “il dolce far niente.” Aah, the sweetness of doing absolutely nothing. Americans are stricter. There’s nothing “dolce” about doing nothing; they call it “rotting.”
The point is, being childfree, I don’t have to entertain anyone. I don’t have to keep things interesting for others. I don’t have to perform. Being a parent, if you choose to stay with your kids, means being an unpaid entertainer. When school breaks roll around, the pressure is multiplied. You dread hearing the words, “Mom, I’m bored.” I don’t have to go on Pinterest to find ideas to keep kids amused. Or bake cookies in a certain shape to make them more appealing. I get to just be.
I once had a coworker who said after her shift, “You’d think I’m going home to relax. But nope. My kid has a birthday party, and I’m the designated babysitter for 10 kids all day.” No regrets on my end. Like I said, only gratitude for the ability to go home after work, eat whatever I want, watch Heated Rivalry, and take a two-hour nap at 5 p.m. if I feel like it. That, to me, is a blessing.
8) I don’t have to teach anyone how to live
… when I myself haven’t mastered it yet. I can’t emphasize enough how big a responsibility raising a kid is. You are actually the only one responsible for your kid’s life. I’m talking specifically about mothers here. Fathers are, as we’ve learned in the 2nd point, “not needed.” Fathers leave, and no one bats an eyelid. Mothers do something, anything, and it’s judgment galore.
I’m lucky I get to make mistakes. Having the time and space to focus on myself, learn more about who I am, and build a beautiful relationship with myself is something I’m deeply grateful for. I’m not here to teach anyone how to live. “Don’t do that. Don’t touch that. It’s not nice to say that.” I have zero desire to be in charge of other people’s lives. Also, can you imagine teaching a kid math? Can you imagine doing school all over again? I’m having a blissful time not being reminded of chemistry, physics, and trigonometry. I guess sine and cosine are yet another reason I don’t regret being childfree.
All this to say, don’t let fear-based, threat-like comments pull you away from what you know is true for you. “You’ll regret it if you don’t have kids” is one of the worst reasons to have them. Make your decisions based on what you genuinely want, not on the fears other people try to plant in your mind.
If you’re on the fence about having kids — or you already know you don’t want them — it’s important to hear from childfree women, too. That’s why I’m sharing my experience and why I don’t regret being childfree. I want to help normalize choosing to be childfree without regret, guilt, or shame. No matter which path you choose, make sure it’s your own. You’re here to live a life that feels true to you, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
If you liked this post and want more from me and my Uranus in the 1st house giving you permission slip to live your life your way, read my book She’s Intense. This book is a 209-page invitation to create your own path and never settle for anything less. Get it on Amazon.
Until the next time,
Ivana
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