La Ivana Author of She’s Intense • Self-Respect & Personal Autonomy

I wrote the majority of the following pieces of life advice for women in their 20s with such ease and enthusiasm, but when it came time to write the introduction… Crickets. How do you sum up what your 20s are all about? I guess your 20s are about struggling to follow society’s expectations while also wanting to have fun? Feeling the pressure to have it all figured out while being afraid to admit you have no idea what you’re doing?

Society tells you that you should be married by the age of 30, have at least one kid (two would be ideal), have a stable 9-to-5 job, and have a diploma on your office wall. However, in your 20s, you realize you have dreams and desires of your own, yet you still feel obligated to follow the timeline someone else set.

So what do you do? How do you enjoy your 20s? Do you follow your parents’ path or do you create your own? Do you settle for a guy you’ve been with since high school, or do you end that relationship and risk being single in your 20s (but what will the people say)?

Aah, decisions to be made…

Let’s dive into the lessons and empowering advice for women in their 20s.

20 Pieces of Life Advice for Women in Their 20s

1. Don’t force things that you don’t enjoy.

While you’re going through your 20s, people will try to convince you of what the right path is for you. If you don’t stand up for yourself, you’re going to end up living someone else’s life. It’s not your responsibility to follow a path your parents think would be best for you. Choose what feels good for you, not what society tells you to choose.

If it’s a college major that you don’t like or a relationship that makes you exhausted, know that it’s okay to let go of what doesn’t make you happy. It’s okay to quit college. It’s okay to break up with the person you’ve been with since high school if you’re not enjoying that relationship anymore.

Sometimes we keep doing things we don’t enjoy because we think we’re safe where we are and don’t want to risk it. We’d rather keep working a job we hate because we think that’s the best we can get. We believe it’s the easier option. 

Don’t do things out of fear and desperation. Don’t force things you don’t enjoy because you think that’s the best you can get. If you’re doing things you don’t enjoy, you’re going to end up living a life you don’t enjoy. Take control over your life and allow yourself to create a life you’re excited about.

Things won’t magically change unless you do something about them. Take the leap. It’s going to be scary, but on the other side of your comfort zone is everything you ever wanted.

2. Get comfortable saying no.

Don’t let anyone pressure you into things that don’t sit well with you. If a guy keeps asking you out and you don’t want to go out with him, say no. End it. If your friends are pushing you to do something that doesn’t feel right, say no.

I recently saw a YouTube vlog of a woman in her 20s getting a tattoo with her friends while they were on a trip together. At the time, it seemed like a fun idea. A few days later, when she returned home, she said that she had already researched places to get a laser tattoo removal. Her friends already had many tattoos, so they were excited to get another one. But for this girl, it was her first tattoo, and she hated it the next day.

The moral of the story is if something doesn’t feel like a ‘’heck yes’’, then it’s a no. Don’t let other people tell you what you should be doing. Learn to stand up for yourself and say no when it feels like a no.

Related:
How to Know if You Have Outgrown Who You Used to Be
8 Tips to Say No Without Feeling Guilty and Selfish

3. Say yes to things you’re passionate about.

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Volunteering abroad? Starting a podcast? Following your dream of being an actress or a singer? If you see an opportunity to do things you’re passionate about, take it. If you don’t see an opportunity to do things you’re passionate about, create it.

Ask yourself: what are you passionate about? What can you talk about for hours? What do you like to read about (consume content about)? And then ask yourself: how can you implement it in your life? What do you need to do to bring that passion to life? Move accordingly.

4. There’s no such thing as a “guilty pleasure.”

Don’t feel embarrassed about things you like. Even if it’s something cheesy or cringe-worthy that you enjoy but you think others would judge you for it, there’s nothing to feel guilty or embarrassed about. Get over the need to fit in and to be more like others.

We have so many layers to our personality, and it would be unrealistic to expect you to like only one type of thing. For instance, why wouldn’t you enjoy psychological thrillers but also love a cheesy rom-com on a Sunday night? Why wouldn’t you listen to ’70s rock, but also blast Taylor Swift’s Reputation while getting ready for a date? Allow yourself to have a variety of interests and likes. It makes you more interesting.

And hey, you know what they say? “It’s not embarrassing if you’re not embarrassed.”

5. Know that you’ll never have it all figured out.

Life is a process. It’s filled with ups and downs. One day, you’ll want to be a guitar player. The next day, you’ll want a stable 9-to-5 job. Sixty seconds later, you’ll say, ‘’What was I thinking? 9-to-5 is an absolute no.” The next day, you’ll want to move to the mountains, delete social media, and be surrounded by cats and goats.

No one has it all figured out. I know people who started completely new jobs and hobbies after the age of 50. If you don’t know what you’re passionate about, that’s cool, too. What’s the rush to have it all figured out? You have your whole life ahead of you.

We change all the time. We meet new people, discover new things that inspire us, or face difficult situations in life. Instead of fighting life changes, accept that changes are going to happen. The only time life will be a straight line is when we die. Have fun in the process. Feel your feelings. Experiment. Sample.

Read next:
How to Set Goals When You Don’t Know What You Want
What to Do When You Can’t Find Yourself?

6. No one is happy all the time.

No one is happy, confident, motivated, and productive all the time. What you see online is less than 1% of someone’s life. Even if you’re watching YouTubers who do weekly vlogs. Remember – you have no idea what they’re going through daily. You only see the nice parts they let you see.

Think about this – let’s say there’s a YouTuber who posts a weekly vlog that’s 40 minutes long. There are 10,080 minutes in 7 days. You don’t see their arguments with others, their mental breakdowns, or the times when they’re feeling down. No. You see cocktails by the beach and clothing hauls.

Unless you actually live with someone, you have no idea what they’re going through. And even if you do live with someone, many people would much rather shut the door and deal with their problems on their own than make a cup of coffee and share all the details. So don’t compare your low days to someone’s honeymoon in Amalfi. That’s just not fair.

7. Don’t let anyone define happiness, love, and success for you.

”Happiness is marriage, a stable job, money, and kids.” (It can be, but it’s not a rule.)
”Love is a life-long monogamous heterosexual relationship.” (It can be, but it’s not a rule.)
”Success is going to college and having a well-paid 9-to-5 job.” (It can be, but it’s not a rule.)

Personally, I define happiness, love, and success very differently from the definitions above. I just used the most common (some would say ‘outdated’) definitions as examples. You need to define those things for yourself. Otherwise, you’ll be easily influenced to follow other people’s definitions.

Some people are asexual, polyamorous, homosexual, or pansexual, or this or that… There are too many options to say that only one thing should be right. There are people whose main value in life is family. Some people never want to start a family and have distanced themselves from their family because that’s what feels best for them. You get to decide what’s right for you.

And if you have no idea what you are – that’s fine too. Don’t let others dictate who or what you should be. The only thing you should be is whatever the heck you feel like being.

Don’t let a frustrated divorced mother of 2 tell you what love is. Don’t let someone suffocating in debt tell you what to do to be wealthy or successful at your job. If they knew anything about it, then they would already be successful and wealthy. Never listen to the advice of people who are not where you want to be.

8. It’s okay not to want to have kids and get married.

“Not everything is for everybody.”
― Dane A. Reid

I’m so glad that more and more people are talking about this. We’re so used to thinking that by the age of 30, we must have kids and be married. I disagree. Not everyone wants kids. Not everyone wants to get married.

Don’t feel pressured to have kids or get married because society tells us that’s the right thing to do when you love someone. If you feel like something is wrong with you because you don’t want to have kids (now or maybe ever), I encourage you to watch a few videos on YouTube by women or couples who are child-free by choice to make you feel like you’re not alone or weird. Or read my blog post where I talk about my experience being child-free by choice: Why I Don’t Want to Have Kids (Ever)

You get to decide what kind of lifestyle you want to live. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Related:
Why I Never Want to Get Married (And Why That’s Empowering)

9. Get comfortable doing things alone.

So often, we hold ourselves back, thinking that it would be weird to do things alone. If you want to see a new movie and no one wants to join you because it’s not their thing, go alone. If you want to go for a swim in January but no one wants to join you because it’s too cold, go by yourself. Or if no one wants to go with you to a concert of your favorite band, go alone.

Stop canceling things that make you happy because no one wants to join you. You’re not canceling a concert or a trip. You’re canceling an opportunity to enjoy life. Bring a book or download some podcast episodes on your phone in case you feel awkward, and do things on your own.

Sure, sometimes you might feel uncomfortable at first because you’re doing things outside of your comfort zone. But soon you’ll forget all about it and enjoy the whole experience. Plus, you’ll have complete freedom to do whatever you want and prioritize yourself because it’s just you, and you can focus on yourself.

Don’t be afraid to dress to the nines and go out by yourself. Or book a solo trip. Or do whatever the heck you want without anyone stopping you.

Read next:
How to Be Alone and Enjoy It
18 Awesome Things to Do When You’re Single

10. Ask for professional help for your mental health if you need assistance.

Of course, it’s normal to invest in a personal trainer when you join the gym to help you with exercising and nutrition. I mean, it’s your health. It’s beneficial to have a professional personal trainer to guide you. But what about your mental health? Why is it that getting help for your physical health is okay, but getting help for your mental health has so many negative connotations?

If you’re often feeling overwhelmed, sad, or frustrated, or if you want help navigating life, ask for professional help. There are websites for online therapy where you can be completely anonymous, and no one other than your therapist will know about what you’re struggling with. BetterHelp is one of those websites, so you might want to check it out if you think you might benefit from this.  Or maybe you want help from a life coach to guide you towards your goals.

Sure, venting to your friends is all well and good, but sometimes they’re going to tell you what you want to hear to make you feel better. When you’re talking to a therapist or a coach, they’ll tell you what you need to hear to help you with your situation.

Some other ways to work on your mental health are:
– guided meditations (check the Insight Timer app, it’s free)
– journaling (start here: 70+ Journal Prompts for Self-Discovery)
– read books, listen to podcasts, or watch YouTube videos for self-help or personal growth (related: 5 Self-Improvement Books that Changed My Life)
– do yoga
– do a digital detox once in a while
– use positive affirmations

11. Age doesn’t mean anything.

There are people your age who have traveled the world alone and have gone through some painful experiences you don’t hear about every day. There are also people your age who have spent their entire lives living with their parents and haven’t experienced life beyond their four bedroom walls or their high-school friendships. Age doesn’t equal experience or intelligence.

Don’t get caught up in thinking that just because you’re X years old, you should already have achieved something. Older people might tell you that you’re too young to know XYZ, too young to do XYZ… You’re not.

If you feel ready to do something, then go for it. If you don’t feel ready to do something, then don’t let anyone force you into doing it.

Follow what feels good. Always, in any situation – follow what feels good. That’s the only way to live a life you’re satisfied with. And remember, you’ll also have your 30s, 40s, 50s… If you don’t achieve major success or find ‘’the one’’ in your 20s, so what? It’s not the end of the world. There’s no timeline that everyone needs to follow. You create your own rules.

12. Let go of toxic friendships and set boundaries.

Ask yourself: how do you feel when you’re around your friends? Do you feel like they’re making fun of your goals or choices? Do you feel like you can’t be yourself around them? If you don’t feel your best around them, then distance yourself from those people. Or maybe it’s just one person in your friend group that always makes you feel like you’re not good enough.

Find your people online (social media or FB groups) or start going to places where people with similar interests hang out and make new friends. Life is too short to settle for fake friendships.

Also, respect yourself enough to set boundaries. If someone is calling you only when they need you and are never there for you, end that. If people are treating you the way you don’t like, don’t tolerate that behavior. Prioritize yourself and move away from situations and people that disrespect you.

Read next:
How to Know If Your Standards Are Too Low (And Why It Matters)
22 Journal Prompts for Self-Respect

13. Healing is a process.

“The soul always knows how to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.”
– Caroline Myss

‘’Oh, aren’t you over that yet?’’

Don’t feel pressured to heal and move on from situations or people that hurt you. There’s no specific timeline for healing. The process is not linear. It doesn’t get easier every day. Some days it’s easier, and some days it will hit you like a ton of bricks. Give yourself time to heal from whatever you need healing.

If you’ve been through a difficult situation, be there for yourself and give yourself time to process it. As I’ve said, get help from a professional to guide you in the process. It will make it much easier. You don’t have to go through it on your own.

Your feelings are valid. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for it.

14. Nothing is wrong with you if you don’t have many friends.

Some people make friends with such ease, or they have a bunch of friends from high school, or they’re just your usual social butterflies. Some people are not. Some people prefer being alone, and that’s okay. If you feel good alone and you don’t mind being on your own, then what’s the problem?

If you want to meet new people, then I’d suggest watching this video of MuchelleB where she shares some great tips on how to meet new people. But if you don’t mind being alone, then own it. There’s nothing wrong with being alone.

If anything, there’s even less drama and gossip to engage in, so you might enjoy the peace that comes with being on your own. Do things you’re passionate about and enjoy yourself.

15. Focus on how your life feels.

Sure, we want to share pretty Instagram stories. We want to have an answer that sounds impressive when our old friend asks us what’s new. We want to have pictures of pretty cocktails and dinners for our Instagram feed.

But none of that matters if you don’t feel good about your life. Instead of living a life that sounds and looks good, focus on what you can do to feel good. You’re not here to impress anyone. It’s not your job to impress anyone other than yourself.

I remember a YouTuber in her 20s who had a fantastic body, abs, strong muscles, and she had the discipline to go to the gym about 5 times a week. Sounds ideal, right?  And then in one of her videos, she shared how she struggled with hormones, didn’t have her period for months, etc., etc. So yes, on the outside, everything seemed perfect. But when it came to how she was feeling day to day, she was struggling. The point is, focus on living a life that feels good. Let go of the need to make it seem perfect on the outside.

Read next:
How to Live Your Best Life: 10 Steps to Ultimate Transformation

16. Being single can actually be quite awesome.

“I would rather be alone with dignity than in a relationship that requires me to sacrifice my self-respect.”
– Mandy Hale

I know, when you’re going through a breakup, being single might sound like torture.
Having to go on dates, hoping you’ll meet someone you get along with. Your parents and friends are constantly reminding you how you’re single and that the clock is ticking. Seeing your ex with that girl who always flirted with him in front of you.

A nightmare that doesn’t seem to end…

However, there’s another way to look at it. You get to focus on yourself. You get to spend time figuring out what you want. If you were in a relationship that felt like a cage, now is the time to do what you felt like you couldn’t do before. When you’re single, you get to explore yourself and explore all areas in life.

Make a list of things you want to do on your own (or with friends or on dates) and start crossing things off.

If you don’t want to be in a relationship, there’s nothing wrong with that. This also goes for women who have never been in a relationship. Don’t feel pressured to do things that don’t feel right. A relationship is not a key to happiness. Focus on what makes you feel happy and excited about life, and do that.

17. Don’t expect people to support you before they see results.

When it comes to following your passions, it might be hard for people to support you if they don’t see any results. Starting a blog, doing photography, playing guitar… It all might seem crazy to others because that’s the path that might not be familiar to them.

Society expects you to go to college, find a job you hate (but is well paid), get married to a guy that gets along with your parents, and have at least two kids. If you decide to create your own path, don’t rely on other people’s support. People might not understand your big dreams. And that’s okay.

Find people online (YouTube, blogs, FB groups) with similar passions and connect with them. For instance, if you want to become a full-time blogger, join FB groups for bloggers. You’ll find support, advice, and empowerment there. The important thing is that you’re doing something you’re passionate about. If others don’t understand it, it’s none of your/their business.

This is your life, and it’s your responsibility to go after the life you want – with or without the support from others.

18. There’s nothing wrong with quitting.

People often tend to think that you should never quit or that there’s something wrong with quitting. I disagree. There are many situations where quitting, giving up, and leaving is the best thing you can do.

If you’re the type of person who likes to try different things and sometimes certain things don’t feel right, then quit. Don’t force yourself to do things you don’t enjoy just because you don’t want others to think of you as a failure or a person who never finishes anything.

Try out different things if you want and let go of ones that aren’t aligned. Simple as that. Whether you want to quit college because you want to go in a different direction or you want to quit your hobby because you got bored with it, give yourself permission to leave. It’s okay. It’s not the end of the world.

Also, know that just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you have to continue doing it. If it doesn’t feel aligned, feel free to quit and do something that you’re excited about.

19. There’s no such thing as “normal.”

If someone tells you that what you want or who you are is not normal, don’t listen to them. You decide what you want and who you want to be. If that’s something that feels good to you, then go for it. Find people who have normalized the lifestyle you want for yourself or your interests. People who are not going to look at you like you’re wrong.

We’re all different. What works for your friends or for most people you see on social media might not work for you. Stop comparing yourself to others or feeling guilty for who you want to be. Own your uniqueness. Always choose yourself. Even when others want to convince you otherwise.

20. Nothing is wrong with you.

This is the common feeling in our society. Feeling like something is wrong with you because you’re not where some of your friends are.

Maybe you feel like something is wrong with you when you look at your friends who are already married, have kids, and hang out with other married women your age – and you’re single.

Maybe you see women on social media who have successfully lost weight, and you feel like something is wrong with you because you have never felt worse about your body. And you feel like you gained all the weight they lost.

Or maybe you see your high school friends with ‘’serious’’ jobs, and you’re thinking ‘’What? How did she already achieve that? We’re the same age! Wait, she’s Sagittarius, so she’s even younger than me! What’s wrong with me?’’

Nothing is wrong with you. You’re not worse or better than them. We’re all on different paths in life, and you’re doing yourself a disservice when you’re comparing yourself to others. Focus on yourself. Create your own definition of happiness and follow that.

Q: Do you have some advice for women in their 20s that you want to add? Share in the comments below.

Want to revisit this later? Pin this for the next time you need a reminder.

Until the next time,

Ivana

creating yourself finding yourself