What is being childfree by choice as a woman actually about? Is it about rebellion against society? Is it a feminist movement? Maybe something for mothers and childfree women to fight and argue about? A trend? What are all these women talking about — not wanting to have kids?
Well, I am one of those women. If we’re meeting for the first time, hi. I’m Ivana. I’ve always known I never wanted to have kids. It’s a decision I never second-guessed, felt guilty or weird about, or wanted to change. However, the world had different plans. I’ve been told things such as “What do you mean you don’t want to have kids? It’s a woman’s duty to reproduce,” or “Did you hear that (our mutual friend) had a baby? He’s so cute. When will you have one?” I’ve learned to brush off comments like those because I know that what I choose to do with my body and my life is not up for debate, explanation, or something I need others to understand.
As I was scrolling through social media and noticing more and more how a woman’s choice to be a mother is celebrated, I couldn’t help but notice how unnatural it is to celebrate one woman while criticizing another. I find it wrong to congratulate one while judging another. Isn’t it strange how saying that you plan to have kids is met with praise, and saying how you don’t want to have kids is met with “You’ll change your mind”? Why is it that one woman can happily expect approval and the other anxiously expects to be made fun of, judged, and disrespected by those around her? Isn’t it unnatural how a decision that harms no one activates something in people where their response is to belittle, criticize, and shame?
The deeper I ponder, the clearer I can see the root of it all. I don’t even think that being childfree by choice as a woman is about kids anymore. I don’t think it’s about someone worrying that having more childfree women means that the human species will become extinct. This is not just about whether a woman wants to have kids or not. I’ve come to the conclusion that being childfree by choice as a woman is fundamentally about a woman’s basic right to choose for herself. That’s the core of every other conversation on this topic. It’s about whether she can have the right to choose for herself or not.
Because here’s the thing: as long as you tell me I’ll change my mind, or you ask me when I’ll have kids, instead of if I’ll have kids, you’re not allowing me the option to think and decide for myself. This is about giving women the right to choose. Something that historically women have always had to fight for. And we are still fighting for it. We’re still having to fight for the basic right to choose what we will do with our own bodies. We are still living in a world where a woman has to fight for herself. For her safety. For her future. For her life.
I mentioned how a woman’s choice to be a mother is celebrated. It’s met with “congratulations,” smiles, hugs, and even gifts. I’ll speak for all women who are childfree by choice when I say that we don’t ask to be celebrated. I know what living as a childfree by choice woman is, and I know firsthand that being celebrated is the least of our concerns. What we would much rather have is the opportunity to sit through a family dinner without being diminished for our decisions. The pit in your stomach that comes from anticipating and preparing for your uncle’s question, “And when will you have kids?” is enough to make you want to skip all family gatherings and exit all group chats. What we would much rather have is a society where it’s safe to be ourselves. Instead of always scanning the room to see if there’s someone who’ll want to lecture us on why we should have kids.
Maybe in the future we’ll be able to celebrate both choices equally. Whether it’s chosen motherhood or a chosen childfree life, maybe both will be naturally accepted. It would mean that all women have achieved authority over their own decisions. Again, maybe that’s too far in the future. We’re still in the process of having to protest on the streets for women to have a basic right over their bodies. Until acceptance is reached, can we at least stop pressuring, judging, shaming, and reducing women to their reproductive organs and what they choose to do with them? Can we create a space for women where a 30-year-old woman doesn’t have to rehearse her arguments before sitting at a dinner table with her family?
I have it in me to fight, to argue, to give you a list of a million arguments why being childfree should, in fact, be a choice. But this essay isn’t about it. It’s about acknowledging a woman’s right to choose. It’s about giving each woman authority over her own body and not letting anyone else choose for her. It’s about letting a woman be a woman, even if you don’t like how she does it.
Want to hear more of my childfree thoughts and experiences? Read next:
What to Do When Your Partner Wants to Have Kids But You Don’t
Why I Don’t Regret Being Childfree by Choice: 8 Everyday Moments That Remind Me I Made the Right Decision
Why I Don’t Want To Have Kids: Being Childfree By Choice
If you want to create your own path, no matter what other people think, my book She’s Intense is for you. It’s a 209-page guide to self-respect and personal autonomy. Get it on Amazon.
Until next time,
Ivana
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