This blog post is not for women who want to get married and are sure of their decision. If you genuinely have a desire to get married and be someone’s wife, I have nothing to add. You choose what feels best for you. And today, I’m sharing what feels best for me. I share why I never want to get married.
I’ve always been the type who didn’t want to get married, so I feel confident and uncompromisable in my decision. I have a bucket full of arguments against marriage for each one of someone’s reasons why. That’s why I’m not writing this for myself. I already made my decision, which feels deeply satisfying. It feels deeply satisfying to make a decision for your life that feels authentic to you and isn’t influenced by anything outside of you.
I’m writing this for women who don’t necessarily want to get married but think there’s something wrong with them, so they think they should get married anyway. Doing something that doesn’t sit well with you will inevitably lead to the wrong partner, the wrong time, and a life that doesn’t feel like yours. I’m writing this for women feeling unbearable pressure to get married. I’m writing this for women who have learned to feel guilty, wrong, selfish, or crazy for not wanting to get married. Nothing is wrong with you. We, as women, have been programmed to feel guilt any time we want something different for ourselves.
One thing to address before we dive in: a lot of people, when they hear how someone doesn’t want to get married, immediately go to the conclusion that that person doesn’t want a relationship and wants to remain single their entire life.
Not true. You can still have a ride-or-die, soul-merging relationship without ever wanting to get married. But adding law and signing contracts to the equation? That’s a whole other story. That has nothing to do with love. And it never did.
So, no. Just because someone doesn’t want to get married doesn’t mean that they don’t enjoy being in an aligned relationship.
Now let’s dive in.
Why I never want to get married:
1) because I don’t have to
Society knows that a woman with money is a woman with power. Long gone are the days when women needed a husband’s consent to own property, keep their wages, or enter into contracts. In this day and age, once you make your own money and have enough money to get yourself your own apartment, your own car, and whatever else you want… You don’t need a man.
A lot of people get married because it’s cheaper to split the mortgage, bills, or rent. It’s simple math. It’s easier to pay $1500 each than to pay $3000 yourself. However, if you’re financially stable enough to pay for what you want yourself entirely… Then, this argument that marriage is better for the finances just falls flat on its face.
I don’t have to get married. There’s nothing that marriage can provide me that I can’t provide myself. I mean, other than stress, insecurities, and living in survival mode.
2) marriage doesn’t give you the autonomy to leave
“The institution of marriage is the chief vehicle for the perpetuation of the oppression of women.”
– Marlene Dixon
There’s a scene in Sex and the City where Berger breaks up with Carrie on a post-it note. As uninspiring as that was, it did its job perfectly. When you are in a relationship and you want to break up, you can simply say ‘I’m done’ and move on.
You can break up over a phone call, Facebook message, or simply, what more and more people are opting for these days, ghost someone. You’re not obligated to explain yourself. Sure, you can be a decent human and have a conversation, but you’re not legally required to. You can just… Leave.
However, once you’re married, and you want to break up, it’s not that easy anymore. You need your partner’s permission to leave. You can’t exit that marriage until your husband lets you.
What if he doesn’t want a divorce? What if he likes you cooking and cleaning for him? What if he says, “Can we talk about this next week?” Suddenly, you have to put your desire to get a divorce on pause and wait until he’s in the mood to sign a contract to get a divorce. You tell your partner you want a divorce in June 2023; he signs the divorce papers in December 2024, and the divorce is finalized in March 2026.
It seems as though marriage is a cage and your husband holds the key. You can only exit when he lets you. You can only leave when it’s convenient for him. That just doesn’t sit well with me. Why would I willingly get into that? I’d rather not.
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3) marriage can’t offer you anything that a relationship can’t
Suppose you’re in a great relationship. You both have your needs met, you trust each other, and you don’t want to be with anyone else. Why wouldn’t that be enough? What else can a marriage give you?
Safety? LOL. (I’ll cover that in my next point.) Trust? Stability?
Why would you even be in a relationship with someone where there is no safety, trust, and stability? When you have a healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationship, you have it all.
Marriage can only add some financial benefit. But, as I’ve said, if you’re already financially self-sufficient, then there’s literally nothing you can gain from marriage.
The other day, I read that it’s good to get married because if one person gets ill and can’t make their own decision, only the spouse can decide whether or not to pull the plug. I stared at my screen in disbelief… Is that why we’re getting married? Because the finances are easier when you’re married? Because you might need someone to decide on pulling the plug when you’re 90? Where did love go?
It seems as though the concept of marriage hasn’t evolved that much. It’s still transactional.
Yet, we bought into the idea that marriage means that the relationship is moving forward. It’s only an illusion because it can just as fast go backward (cue: divorce). Why is being with the person you love not enough?
4) marriage is not a guarantee for a happily-ever-after
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.”
— Cher
“Oh, I’ll just feel safer when he signs a contract. Then, and only then, I’ll actually believe him when he says that he wants to be with me forever.”
A marriage can last as little as 3 minutes. (Yes, I Googled the shortest marriage in history.) It’s not just celebrities who divorce after 55 hours (Britney) or 8 days (Dennis Hopper).
This isn’t just about your husband eventually wanting to back out. What if you want to back out? I’d say, for the benefit of your future self, leave her the opportunity to choose. If she’ll love that partner for the rest of her life, fine. But don’t make a commitment where she can’t get out of if she wants.
Are there frustrated wives? Yes. Are there abusive marriages? Yes. Are there wives who wish they had never gotten married? Yes. Are there husbands who aren’t loyal and trustworthy? Yes.
It seems as though, and hear me out here, marriage is not a guarantee that you’ll get what you’re looking for.
5) I want the freedom of choice for my future self
“Freedom for women cannot be won without the abolition of marriage.”
– Sheila Cronan
Do you know where you’ll be 12 months from now? Do you know who’s going to be the next person you meet? Do you know where your next international trip will be? No? Then how can you know that 40 years from now, you’ll still want to be with your partner?
No matter how much you love your partner now, you can’t know if it will last your entire life. And marriages are based on the assumption that you’ll want to be next to that person for the rest of your life.
Marriage is a future-based decision. It has nothing to do with how you feel now or have been feeling for the last 3 years with your partner.
As optimistic as my Sagittarius Mars wants me to be, I can’t ignore the fact that the only guarantee in life is change. Everything changes. That’s why I want to let my future self make aligned decisions, rather than decide for her. I want my future self to be able to leave relationships that have expired. I don’t want her to stay stuck with the decision I make now.
I care deeply about my future self. From cleaning my space the night before so she can get up and have everything clean the next day, to having sky-high standards and not allowing in the people who will bring her chaos.
My future self, I’ve got you.
Read next:
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6) I prefer being in a relationship out of desire rather than habit
There’s a difference between being with someone because you signed a contract 5 years ago and being with someone because you genuinely want to. Marriages are difficult to get out of, even when both partners want to leave.
We do everything out of habit nowadays. I prefer intention. I prefer living a life based on questions, “What do I want? What feels good for me?” I would choose honest intention rather than resentful obligation any time.
It goes both ways, actually. Imagine being with a partner who feels stuck with you. Who feels as though he has to be with you. It hits different when you feel that someone genuinely wants you.
7) I prefer making my own rules rather than conforming to societal templates
Society doesn’t get to decide what love looks like for me. I get to decide what I want love to look and feel like. Marriage means nothing to me, so why would I obey? Knowing how many women are unhappy and frustrated, feeling stuck in an expired marriage, only makes me want to stay out of it.
Why would I follow what everyone else is doing without pausing and asking myself what feels meaningful to me? Why would I conform to someone else’s idea of a happy relationship when I can create my own? My Uranus in the 1st house could never.
I’ve never seen a thriving woman who followed other people’s rules and tried to please everyone. It’s women who choose for themselves and stay sovereign in their decisions who look and feel most fulfilled.
I’m not here to please. I’m not here to follow someone else’s template on how to do life. I’m here to think for myself and choose what feels true to me. And I encourage you to do the same.
Read next:
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8) because my time is not running out
There’s this narrative that women get less desirable with age, while men only get hotter. I always thought that Taylor’s line “I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time” said “I got smarter, I got hotter in the nick of time” because it just makes sense.
We, as women, actually do get smarter and hotter as we get older. And, most importantly, we get more difficult to manipulate (if you’re wondering why men go for younger women, that’s why). I refuse this fear-based marketing that pushes women to make wrong decisions because they feel as though they are running out of time.
Make sure you don’t choose whatever guy is present in your life right now just because you’re afraid you’re running out of time. You don’t have to stay stuck with whoever you’re with when you’re 27 or 32. Your time is not running out.
If you want to be with someone, be with someone who respects you and treats you as the absolute icon you are. If it’s not that… Then being single it is.
Read next:
How to Be Alone and Enjoy It: 4 Ways to Be Happy by Yourself
20+ Awesome Things to Do When You’re Single
Ultimately… Am I against marriage, in general? 100%. I’m against anything that makes women powerless, submissive, and easy to control. I’m against women being unpaid servants and therapists to men who don’t give them anything other than stress and insecurities.
On the other hand, I am all for women having the freedom of choice. I am all for women raising the bar, not compromising on their lives, and choosing their happiness. Whatever that looks like to each of you.
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Until the next time,
Ivana
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