I’m not here to call anyone selfish or to say I’m not. I’m just wondering: What do people who call childfree women selfish think the opposite is? If we do have kids, what does that make us? Altruistic? Philanthropic? Charitable? Prosocial? I’m curious: does having kids make you a humanitarian?
I’m childfree by choice, and people love calling women like me selfish. Naturally, with my Mercury in Scorpio and Lilith in Aries in the 3rd house, I’m a lover of a thought-provoking debate. I’m not here to point fingers and label who’s right and who’s wrong. But I’m intrigued to explore this perspective where childfree women are villainized and called selfish while others are celebrated for wanting motherhood. No matter which way I look at it, I always come to the same conclusion: being childfree is not, and cannot be, more selfish than having kids. Here’s why.
Do people want to have kids as a contribution to society, or for their own sense of achievement?
“Not wanting to have kids is an unacceptable, mind-blowing concept for many, and yet it’s the most liberating decision for women who learned to feel guilty for not wanting to reproduce.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
Calling childfree women selfish assumes that people who want to have kids do it to benefit society. Think about it: if I’m selfish for not wanting to procreate, then it must mean that all the other people also don’t want to have kids, but they put their own desires aside and selflessly put the world’s needs above their own. Because if not, then I’m left wondering: what is it that makes my decision selfish but someone else’s decision to have kids selfless?
And this is where it stops making sense. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I’m having children to contribute to society.” I’ve never heard anyone say they want to have children to serve the collective good. But here are the reasons I’ve heard over and over again:
– wanting another kid because they miss the baby phase
– wanting a kid to fix their relationship or marriage
– having another kid because they don’t want to have an only child
– wanting a larger family because that’s been their lifelong dream
– carrying on their family name
– expecting their children to take care of them when they get old or ill
– because they want to experience parenthood
– because they’re at the age where they feel like they should have kids
Not once have I heard a reason that goes beyond family or personal gain. How is their personal gain from having kids to carry on their family name any less selfish than my personal gain from not having kids so I can enjoy my peace? Where’s their contribution? Where’s the selflessness, generosity, and humanitarian spirit in having kids? Am I missing something?
Read next:
What Being Childfree by Choice as a Woman Is Actually About
Can Women Be Happy Without Ever Having Children? A Childfree Woman’s Perspective
Are we facing a shortage of people?
“You must not take into consideration the opinions or wishes of others. People will congratulate you when they hear you’re pregnant and then disappear. How many of the people who tell you you need to have kids are willing to give you money to buy them clothes for the first 18 years of their life? None?”
— Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
There are people whose reason for calling a childfree woman selfish is that she’s not doing anything about declining birth rates. With 8 billion people on earth, are we in a deficit? Am I depriving the world of something by choosing not to procreate? Why should we sacrifice ourselves to keep the birth rates up? Take a walk through Madrid or New York and tell me we need more people. Try boarding a local bus in Croatia and tell me we need more people. Go to Taylor Swift’s concert and tell me we need more people. Who do you know who had kids purely to help ensure the human species doesn’t go extinct?
Let me know if I’m wrong. Tell me if you know someone who has said, “You know what? I truly don’t want to have kids. I have goals I want to achieve, and I want to spend time on myself, but… I’m going to do it. I’m going to sacrifice my own goals and dreams and have a kid to make the world a better place. I don’t want to be a parent; I never did. But I’m going to do it just to contribute to society.” Has anyone ever said that? Didn’t think so.
If the goal is selfless, why not adopt a child in need rather than create a new one?
I’ve been bringing this up in conversations since I, myself, was a kid. I always used to say, “If someone wants kids, why don’t they just adopt?” And the answer was always, “Because then the kid is not mine.” Point. F***ing. Blank. People want their own genes and DNA to continue. They want their child to look like them and want to see which of their own personality traits the child inherits.
If it’s about loving, supporting, and providing for a child, why not give love and a home to kids who have been abandoned? Who needs parents more—a kid who hasn’t even been created yet and doesn’t even exist, or a kid whose biological parents have abandoned them? Adoption would literally be saving someone’s life. It’s selfless. I understand that it’s a difficult process and that people have to jump through hoops to adopt, but if they truly want to have a kid and not be at all selfish in the process, why not adopt?
If someone wants to have biological children because “only then is the child actually theirs,” well… then they’re no less selfish than I am.
Read next:
What to Do When Your Partner Wants to Have Kids But You Don’t
Why I Don’t Regret Being Childfree by Choice: 8 Everyday Moments That Remind Me I Made the Right Decision
If you’re childfree and worried about being called selfish
“Criticism and judgment don’t magically disappear once you give in to the pressure and decide it would be easier to have a kid, hoping that it will make people quiet and satisfied. Once you realize that judgment is inevitable, you might as well make your own rules and stand firm in them, so that opposing opinions become just noise that doesn’t require your attention.”
— Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
I’m here for women who are childfree by choice and for those who know they don’t really want to have kids but are afraid of other people’s opinions, projections, and expectations. If you’re worried about being judged and called selfish for not wanting to have kids, think about this: it’s not like you’ll have kids and suddenly people will see you as Mother Theresa. The savior. The immaculate. People will still judge you for something. Have you noticed how society looks at mothers when their kids start crying on public transport? When they breastfeed in public? Or when they make any parenting choice that’s different from how someone else thinks it should be done?
I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be judged for staying true to myself than be judged while living a life that doesn’t even resemble the one I want. I’d rather make decisions that align with who I am than try to please society. You can never please everyone. But you can focus on building a life that feels good and right to you, no matter what it looks like to others.
Revealing a double standard
Notice how I didn’t say that I’m not selfish. I’m fully open to being perceived as selfish, self-centered, or whatever people need to think. I’m entirely prioritizing my own life, my goals, and my happiness. And I’m not calling another person selfish for choosing their own goals, even if they’re different from mine. This is not what this essay is about.
I’m just trying my best to find a way where the person calling childfree women selfish isn’t being selfish themselves. Either we’re both selfish, or someone is being hypocritical. And I do find it hypocritical to call childfree women selfish while wanting to have another kid because they don’t want an only child. Because they’re at the age when they’re expected to have a kid. Because they’ve always wanted to have three kids. Or because they’ve had two boys and always wanted a girl, so they keep having children until they have a daughter.
Sure, call me selfish. But don’t forget to ask yourself: “Why do I want to have kids? What is my reason for having kids?” Is it for collective gain or personal benefit? I’m just holding up a mirror.
Want more of my Uranus in the 1st house and Scorpio Mercury? She’s Intense is where we go next. Throughout 209 pages, I unpack conversations that will help you create your own path in life, question the beliefs you’ve learned, and never settle for less than what you desire. Get it on Amazon (available worldwide).
Until next time,
Ivana
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