Can Women Be Happy Without Ever Having Children?

Can Women Be Happy Without Ever Having Children? A Childfree Woman’s Perspective

“Can I be happy without ever having children?” is a valid question that a lot of women who are unsure about motherhood can ruminate on. On the one hand, you don’t necessarily feel excited about the idea of having kids. But there’s still this jarring narrative of all the fearful stories you’ve been hearing your entire life. Opinions such as: “Kids are the biggest blessing. You’ll never know unconditional love until you have kids. Having kids is a natural part of every woman’s life.” Opinions that, if you make decisions based on them, can lead you to a life that doesn’t feel like yours. A life that never feels right because you always carry this quiet itch, knowing you never willingly chose it—you accepted it.

As always, I believe it’s important to know whose words you’re reading, so in case we haven’t met yet, hi. I’m Ivana. I’m childfree by choice, and I’ve always known I never want to have kids. I’ve never second-guessed or questioned what I knew was true for me just because society wanted to convince me otherwise. If you don’t want to have children, it’s crucial that you don’t crumble under the influence of others trying to get you to live a life based on their expectations.

The stakes are too high for this, which is why I want to have more and more of these conversations. If you give in to this fear-based marketing, you’ll end up going against yourself. And one thing I want for each woman walking this earth is to create a life she genuinely wants, independent of other people’s thoughts and opinions. Now, let’s dive into today’s topic: Can women be happy without ever having children?

Happiness doesn’t come from the same place for everyone

“It makes me wonder what went wrong when I see most people living the same lives and facing the same problems. And that same majority pushes the rest to follow their exact path. Where is the individuality in all that? Where is our inherent uniqueness? Who decided what your life should look like? Who is making your decisions for you?”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense

First point, and I could easily end this essay here, is: happiness doesn’t come from the same place for everyone. Funny thing about how life works is that we have no say in what makes us happy. You can’t decide what or who you’re going to love. If you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it. Having kids is not an acquired taste. You can’t make yourself want to have kids if you genuinely don’t feel excited about having them. Same with any other thing in life. You can’t choose what interests you or what you feel pulled toward. Whether it’s astrology, traveling, music, writing, animals, motherhood, gardening, history… we all came to this world with our unique set of interests and desires.

This applies to motherhood, too. Some women want to be mothers, and children are their source of happiness. They love interacting with kids, and even just looking at babies activates a feeling of joy in them. But some women have different goals and desires. I know, crazy. For me, not having kids is a source of happiness. Not interacting with kids and not seeing them gives me this sweet feeling of peace, joy, and freedom.

I will always encourage you to use your mind and define things for yourself instead of letting others do the work for you. Examine what happiness means and looks like for you. What does a happy life look like for you? What does it include or exclude? What makes you feel joyful and excited? Go there. Don’t get lost in other people’s definitions when you know your satisfaction is elsewhere. You can’t choose what brings you happiness. But you can choose whether you’ll follow it or shut it down to follow someone else’s.

Don’t fall for fear-based marketing

“I wasn’t ready either, but you will figure it out as you go” is a good argument for traveling somewhere new for the first time. But it is not a valid argument for creating a real human being that you have to stay next to for years to come. It’s not even an argument. It’s a thought that didn’t require much thinking.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense

If someone has to threaten you to get you to do something, you can already tell they lack rational arguments. If the only way to convince you to do something is to instill fear by saying things like “You’ll regret your choice one day,” how can you trust them? I’m willing to hear arguments for having kids, but I find that there aren’t any. In my decades of life knowing I never want to have kids, no one has been able to give me a sound argument for why having kids is genuinely a good idea I should consider.

Instead, people are using fear-based marketing and trying to create FOMO. “Beware, you don’t want to end up alone without anyone to take care of you. You’ll miss out on never feeling genuine love. How can you not want a mini version of yourself? It will give your life purpose.” I find it sad if you can’t love anything other than your own child. I believe loving your kid isn’t the ultimate form of love we should all strive for. It’s simply one of multiple different kinds of love. And it’s one I’ve never been interested in experiencing. I’m more than happy spending the rest of my life never feeling it. In fact, I choose to never know it.

There’s so much in life to explore, love, and experience. It’s narrow-minded and limiting to say that you can only know love if you have kids. Having kids, if you want to, is one of many ways to experience love. It’s certainly not the only way or the “best” way.

Purpose beyond procreation

I never liked the idea that our lives have a single profound purpose that makes them worth living. “Purpose” is yet another concept society has created to make us afraid of doing the wrong thing, making us easier to manipulate into following its blueprint. It seems as though the idea of “purpose” is this grand calling, a mission beyond your own life, leaving a monumental legacy. It feels overwhelming and mostly forced. More than anything, it seems unnecessary. Why can’t we just have things we enjoy doing and ambitions we want to work toward? Why does there need to be an overarching theme of our lives for people to remember us by or to make our lives worthy enough?

And an even bigger issue I have with “purpose” is when other people try to force one down your throat. The audacity! No one other than you gets to decide what you’ll do with your life. I’ve had a random guy telling me, “What do you mean—you don’t want to have kids? It’s a woman’s duty to have kids.” Sorry (not sorry), but don’t tell me what my duty is. I decide what my duties are. I have the last word in what I choose to do with my life. And that, in fact, is my only duty. To stay true to my own path and not to bend to other people’s rules and expectations.

That’s why you have to be strong in your decision and what feels true to you. The world will throw all kinds of unnecessary comments your way. The only thing that matters is that you listen to yourself, follow your unique sources of happiness, and never allow anyone to determine what you do with your life.If you liked this post and want more from me and my Uranus in the 1st house giving you permission slip to live your life your way, read my book She’s Intense. This book is a 209-page invitation to create your own path and never settle for anything less. Get it on Amazon.