La Ivana Author of She’s Intense • Self-Respect & Personal Autonomy

What does finding yourself even mean? As I was scrolling through Pinterest a few moments ago, I came across an article titled “How to find yourself?” Just reading that title was enough to open a WordPress document and start sharing my opinion on finding yourself.

First, what are we hoping to find? Probably a version of ourselves who has certain ambitions in life and is willing to take action toward achieving them. That person is not somewhere outside of ourselves. That person is not going to pop up in your mind and start screaming, “Hey! I’m here! Let’s live now! I’m ready!” You create that person. At this moment, you have the complete power to create the version of yourself you want to become.

Oftentimes, when people see someone changing their style, direction, or plans in life, they say, “Oh, they just haven’t found themselves yet.” The truth is: you’ll never find yourself. You’ll never reach a point of your life where you’ll think, “Okay, this is it. No more growing from here. This is my last destination.” Your whole life is a process of sampling and trying out different things, discovering more about yourself, and creating yourself. Becoming yourself. As long as you’re breathing, there won’t be a finished version of yourself you need to find.

You are working on yourself every day. You create yourself with your habits, mindset, and interests. You’re creating your path every day, and each day you have a chance to take a different route and start a new chapter. Going into the process of finding yourself and feeling that you’re failing miserably is pointless. It leads nowhere. It only makes you feel frustrated, stressed, pressured, and disappointed. Accepting your life as your own and realizing that you can change it at any moment will help you create the life you desire.

So, instead of finding yourself, let’s focus on how you can create the version of yourself you’re actually excited to be. Let’s focus on how you can become your most authentic self.

1) audit your habits

Do you want to be a morning person? Get up early every day. Want to be a non-smoker? Stop smoking. It’s really not as complicated as we’ve convinced ourselves. You can be whoever you want to be. It’s easy to be who you already are because you’ve practiced it for so long. Implementing new habits is difficult at first.

Finding yourself means challenging yourself. Realize that you’re the only person standing in your way and let go of parts of yourself that you have outgrown. Let go of the habits that no longer serve you. Our habits shape our lives, which is why I wanted to start with them. Your satisfaction in life (or lack of it) is reflected in your daily choices. 

Ask yourself:
– What habits are not serving me?
– How would my life change if I quit those habits that hold me back?
– What new habits do I want to develop?
– What would my life look like 6 months from now if I developed habits that are aligned with who I want to be?

Want to build better habits? Read next:
How to Know If You Have Outgrown Who You Used to Be
6 Empowering Habits to Build Confidence and Self-Esteem

2) take action instead of staying stuck in limiting beliefs

“If you don’t determine who you are and stand firm in your identity, you will attach your identity to the opinions of others. You’ll believe others when they tell you who they think you are and who you should be. If they say you’re selfish, you’ll believe them. If they say you don’t have what it takes to succeed, you’ll believe them. You will conform to the pressure to put your life on hold for someone else, stay quiet, nice, and agreeable instead of leading yourself with questions such as, “What feels authentic to me? Who do I want to be?”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense

“I’m scared to travel alone, what if something bad happens? I can’t start a blog, what if no one reads it? I can’t start a blog, what if someone I know reads it? I can’t join a gym, what if someone laughs at me for not knowing how to use the gym equipment?” Yes, God forbid you do all those things, feel better about yourself for going after the life you want, and start realizing your full potential.

Think about how your life would change if you reframed those questions into “What if I start traveling alone and end up loving it? What if it goes great and I meet new people along the way? What if I finally visit my dream destinations and enjoy my life without waiting for someone else to join me?” What if you start a blog and make it your full-time job? Imagine having a job you actually enjoy. I know, crazy. What if you join a gym, gain strength, and become healthier?

A lot of times, when we want to do something, way before being judged by other people, we are actually judging ourselves. There will always be a part of our brain trying to stop us. And you should accept that part. Thank that part for worrying about you and trying to keep you safe, but then stand up for yourself and ask yourself if it’s worth it. Is it worth it to listen to that voice that is afraid of everything and everyone and let it stop you from creating your best life? And then get excited about what lies ahead when you step out of your comfort zone and go after the life you want.

Read next:
Overcoming Your Limiting Beliefs: 4 Steps to Set Yourself Free
Choose Your Thoughts: How to Stop Spiraling and Rewire Your Mind

3) be intentional about who you surround yourself with

“You get to have completely different standards than you did your entire life. It’s never too late to start treating yourself with the respect you desire from others.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense

There are a few things I’d like to mention when it comes to other people and finding yourself. First, surround yourself with people who make you feel good. There’s no point in keeping people in your life who make you doubt yourself and keep you stuck. Yes, it may be hard at first, but sometimes we outgrow some people, and that’s okay. If you want to go further in life, let go of people who pull you back or keep you in the same place, because it’s convenient for them. Always make yourself a priority.

Also, remember that you have complete control over your reactions. When someone says something negative or isn’t supportive of your passions in life, accept it. And then move on with your day. Fighting and worrying about other people’s opinions is only weighing you down. No matter the situation you find yourself in, don’t let it ruin your day.

Of course, you’re human and you’re meant to experience the full spectrum of emotions. But be mindful of how much of your time you spend feeling frustrated or bitter around certain people. Work on surrounding yourself with empowering people – online and in real life. And, if there are people who always complain or engage in gossip, do what you can to reduce the percentage of time you spend engaged in conversations with them. Focus on yourself and spend as much time as you can with people who make you feel like yourself.

Read next:
9 Ways to Hold Yourself to a High Standard
What Happens When You Raise Your Standards (4 Things to Expect)

4) finding yourself as a process

“And if you want to do anything in your life, there comes a point where you’re done with explaining and defending yourself and your decisions. You let people think whatever they need to think, and you focus on your part of the equation. You focus on who you want to be and what you want to do.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense

You can develop new habits, overcome your limiting beliefs, stop hanging out with people who drain your energy, and unfollow everyone whose posts don’t bring you any value, but at the end of the day, it’s all about you. Are you willing to go from point A – where you are currently, to point B – where you want to be? Are you ready and willing to make yourself a priority? I know, it takes courage. After all, we’ve been taught how putting ourselves first is selfish and egocentric. But I think it would be a waste of yourself as an individual not to put yourself first. Where would all your joy and potential go if you always put others’ needs and desires before your own?

I don’t like the question, “What would you do if this were your last day?” I always thought, well, if this were my last day, then there’s nothing much I could do in 24 hours… I’d probably eat pizza and watch Netflix. What I want you to ask yourself is: What would you do if this were your last life? How would you spend it? The moment we realize something is “the last one,” whether it is your last day in a foreign city, the last episode of a new show you’re binging, the last page of a book, the last song of a new album you were listening to for the first time – we appreciate it so much more.

A few years ago, when I was in Prague for a week, on the last day, I was thinking of a few things I could have done differently. I was thinking about how I hadn’t enjoyed that week as much as I could have. I was wondering why I didn’t go out at night to drink some mulled wine at the overcrowded Christmas fair in the center of Prague, which was only a 2-minute walk from my accommodation.

There was also some French guy (a blonde version of Daniel Radcliffe, it will stay in my brain forever…) who came up to me and asked if I wanted to get a cup of coffee with him. I rejected him because I spent that whole day in Kutná Hora and I was really looking forward to chilling in my bed at the end of the day. Or at least that’s what I thought was the reason. Now I think it was because it was so hard to leave my comfort zone to enjoy something new and meet new people.

But that’s exactly what discovering and finding yourself is. If there is anything to find, you’ll find it by experiencing new things and having conversations with people.

You’re not going to find yourself or anything new in your room, in the same job, in the same city, with the same people, having the same conversations, doing the same things every day. Bring newness into your life, break that boring routine, do something about your life, and see what you’ll find.

Sample different directions. Try out different things. See what feels good. Don’t look back on your life and wonder how many opportunities and new experiences you could have had if only you had been willing to take action and challenge yourself. Don’t limit yourself. Get out of victim mode, step out of your comfort zone, take control of your life, and start living it.
If you liked this post and want further guidance on how to create your own path in life, no matter what other people say, She’s Intense is for you. In this book, I offer insights and questions for reflection to help you return to yourself, detach from other people’s expectations, and take control of your life. Get She’s Intense on Amazon.

Until next time,

Ivana

creating yourself finding yourself