7 Things to Do While You’re Single Before Your Next Relationship

In this post, I will not teach you how to manifest a text from your ex or how to become more approachable to get random guys to ask you out. Why? Because I don’t even want you to entertain guys you have to “manifest.” I don’t want you to smile more and perform to get some guy’s attention. I’d rather see you respecting yourself enough to leave people who aren’t interested enough to keep you. And I’d rather see you fully yourself, even if (or especially if…) it intimidates others. Let’s dive into things to do while you’re single to get really good at doing life regardless of who joins you.

1) become selective

“You get to have completely different standards than you did your entire life. It’s never too late to start treating yourself with the respect you desire from others.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense

Some people approach getting into a relationship the same way they do any other goal. Want to be in a relationship in three months? Go on as many dates as you can, use dating apps, and say yes to everyone and everything (even if you don’t really want to). Put action steps in your calendar and follow through, right? Not me, though. I’ll never tell you to go on 100 dates and hope something sticks. I will never challenge you to go on ten dates in a month. Why would you even do that?

Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you should lower your standards and go out with anyone. Why would you give your presence, energy, time, and capacity to anyone who asks? Make them earn it. What you have to offer is not a free trial for everyone to sample. Just because someone smiles at you and asks you out doesn’t mean you should immediately accept it. Instead, ask yourself: do I genuinely want to go out with this person? Am I actually interested in this person? It’s more than okay to say no and let them try their luck with someone else.

2) learn to recognize red flags

“Ask yourself, “If he kept behaving this way, would I be okay with it?” If you were to leave him acting as he normally does, without saying anything, would you like what you discover? If not, leave.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense

Social media is filled with content that teaches you how to manifest a text from a guy who’s obviously not that into you (otherwise he would already be texting you) or how to attract this other guy you think would be perfect for you. I’m not on that side of the internet. I like to leave people who aren’t interested in my existence where they are—away from me.

Instead of manifesting guys whose attention you have to work for, I encourage you to learn about red-flag behavior, manipulation in disguise, and patterns you need to break. Get to the point where you see lack of effort as a clear sign someone’s not your person instead of overlooking red flags and hoping people would change.

Learn about your own patterns. Explore what keeps you performing for that guy’s like or fire emoji. Dig deeper into what part of yourself finds chase and uncertainty attractive. Once you’re good with yourself, it will be easier to stand firm in your self-worth and stop romanticizing bare minimum and potential.

3) listen to your intuition

“If you even think for a second about giving him a second chance, ask yourself, “A second chance for what?” Suppose a guy cheats on you and asks you for a second chance. A second chance for what? A second chance to cheat again? A second chance to lie to you again? A second chance to disrespect you again? Because it turned out so well the first time?”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense

There comes a time when you need to turn down the volume on what the people around you are telling you. Think about it: we still live in times where people perceive singlehood as inferior and having a partner as superior. How many times has your “I’m not seeing anyone” been met with “We’ll find you someone” or “How come you aren’t in a relationship? You’re so smart and beautiful… What happened?”

If you let those beliefs get too loud, your intuition will be hard to hear. The next time you’re on a date with a guy and it feels off, you’ll brush it off and tell yourself to give him another chance—forcing yourself to make it work.

What you need to know about intuition is that it works in the present moment, and it doesn’t come with reasons. Your intuition is a moment when you think to yourself, “Oof, this feels off.” or “This doesn’t sit well with me.” On the other hand, fear comes with a whole list of reasons. Fear sounds like, “Based on what I’ve heard about this guy, I should give him another chance. He doesn’t seem that nice to me, but everyone keeps telling me he’s great. Maybe I’m the problem.” Fear is easy to explain, categorize, and rationalize. Your intuition, on the other hand, simply is.

Going on 100 dates with 100 different people and saying yes to everything will most likely go against your intuition. It’s obvious—you can’t like everyone or want to go everywhere. We have our standards, desires, and limits for a reason. Get used to asking yourself: what do I want? What feels good for me? Does this feel like me, or does it feel forced? And stop letting other people make your decisions and tell you who you should go out with.

4) stop forcing yourself to be approachable

Men saying how women need to be more approachable is my latest pet peeve. Recently, I listened to an episode of a podcast I usually love. The guy interviewed on this episode said women need to be more approachable. He continued to explain, “If a woman is smiling at a barista and is in a friendly mood, a guy is more likely to approach her. On the other hand, if she has her earphones in and a serious face, he might feel intimidated and give up.” I had to stop listening to that episode.

Here’s my issue with this: if I need to force a smile and put on a happy mood for you so you feel brave enough to approach me, I don’t even want you. If you want me enough, get over your fear of being rejected and approach me. I’m not here to make men’s lives easier. If you’re intimidated, good. Stay away from me. Why would I have to make a fool of myself, smile when I don’t want to, be nice to people who haven’t earned it, to make it easier for you? I wholeheartedly refuse.

If you have a people-pleasing history and wear a “nice girl” badge of honor, ask yourself this: would I rather be with someone who can handle the authentic version of me, or with someone I have to perform for? That’s what you need to base your decisions on, not on some manipulative dating advice from men who just want to make you make their lives easier.

5) silence the external pressure

“A man’s lack of effort is not an invitation for you to try harder.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense

We all know the external pressure for single women can get exhausting and overwhelming. Friends tell you to give a random guy a chance, your parents ask when you will find someone, and curious colleagues ask inappropriate questions about your love life. If you listen to them, the internal pressure will only amplify. Your internal monologue can sound something like “Will I ever find someone? What if all the good ones really are taken? What is it about me that makes me undesirable? How come even the biggest cheaters and losers are in relationships, and I keep getting ghosted? Should I move to a bigger city? Should I download another dating app? Should I give Tom another chance?”

Pressure is never a good foundation for making decisions. When you feel the stress coming up, remind yourself that it’s not the time to go against yourself, overlook your intuition, or ignore what feels good for you. Don’t get on dating apps if your whole body screams, “I haaate them! I don’t want to get on apps!” Just because some people met their partners on apps doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to like them, too. Allow your process to be your process.

You have to come to the point where you’re fine with being single. Once you’re stable with your own life, other people’s opinions become just background noise you know how to filter out. On the other hand, if you feel insecure, unsure, and self-conscious about being single, you run the risk of ending up with the wrong person just so you can be with someone. And it’s much easier to get someone into your life than get them out—which is why I wrote an entire chapter about becoming confident in your singlehood in my book, She’s Intense. You can find it on Amazon if this speaks to you.

6) decenter relationships, men, and validation

“If a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, don’t expect him to act like your boyfriend. Men who don’t want a relationship will act as though they are single. Those are the guys who keep their options open and want their freedom of choice to stay intact.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense

The moment you start centering your life around a man is the moment you’ve already lost. Centering your life around men and relationships looks like basing your decisions on “Will Josh like this? Do guys like this hairstyle? Which outfit would Tom prefer?” The number of likes and fire emojis directly impacts how you feel about yourself. You compare the attention your friends get to the attention you get and let it define your worth and desirability.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. The question is: can you make the most out of your life regardless of who’s next to you? Can you make yourself the center of your universe and live a life that feels like yours? Can you get to the point where your self-worth doesn’t depend on likes and the number of guys who approach you? Because that right there is the whole point—feeling so good about yourself that you don’t feel the need to perform for approval.

Remember the challenges I mentioned in the first point? This is actually the one I’d recommend. Not a 7-day challenge to manifest a text from your ex. Instead, I’d challenge you to become so sure of yourself that every decision you make is rooted in unconditional self-respect and self-worth. I’d challenge you to stop looking to others for validation and turn inward to understand why you crave it in the first place. Then, I’d challenge you to make it your mission to give yourself what you’ve been seeking from others, so you never look elsewhere to get your needs met.

7) get good at being single

Being happily single is a skill. You can be desperate and insecure about being single, or you can feel empowered and excited about this version of yourself. Who do you want to be? How do you want to feel? Getting good at being single means living your life regardless of who joins you. It means prioritizing yourself, your ambitions, and your desires. Use this freedom to travel, go to any concert you want, sign up for all the classes that excite you, and become who you want to be. And let that be the foundation of how you live your life.

Once you’ve built a satisfying life on your own, you won’t need a partner to fill a space in your life. Instead, you’ll intentionally choose a partner who adds more of what you’ve already created—more peace, joy, and expansion. If you’re feeling miserable while single, you might settle for whoever gives you attention on a Friday night. But if you know you can give yourself the best life, you won’t settle for just anyone.

If you liked this post and want to further explore how to raise your standards and be happily single, my book She’s Intense is for you. Over 209 pages, I guide you to uncover your unique path, make decisions independent of what others think, and never settle for less. Get it on Amazon.

Until next time,
Ivana

being single self respect

La Ivana Author of She’s Intense • Self-Respect & Personal Autonomy