Dealing with negative comments is a skill worth mastering. We can come across unnecessary mean comments at work, in dating, family, hobbies, or even just walking down the street, minding our own business. You can’t control what other people say or how they say it. But you can decide whether you want to take what they said as truth and base your following actions on that. Or whether you want to leave them with their thoughts and create your own opinions.
Let’s dive into how you can deal with negative comments while staying solid in your identity and not letting it mean anything about yourself and your potential.
1) You’re allowed to feel hurt.
“Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive.”
― Charlotte Brontë
Oftentimes, we can make ourselves feel guilty for letting negative comments affect us. In your mind, you know that their criticism just isn’t true. Or you know that it’s coming from someone who is frustrated with their life and is just projecting their problems onto you. Or you know that it’s a complete stranger who doesn’t even know you, so there’s no need to take it personally.
But no matter how much you rationalize it, it still hurts. On the one hand, you have your mind telling you to ignore their comment. “Just let it go. Don’t waste your time thinking about it. Don’t let it ruin your day.”, your mind says. On the other hand, you have your emotions that seem like they can’t catch up with the logic of your mind. “But why did they have to say that? It’s just mean and unnecessary.”, your emotions say.
Instead of avoiding, fixing, or trying to escape your emotions, allow them to exist. Hear them out. Anchor yourself in mantras such as “Even though I know that comment wasn’t a reflection of my ability, it still hurt to hear that.”
The logic and emotions get to coexist even when they don’t match. You’re allowed to feel hurt by mean comments. Even if you know they are not true or coming from people you’d never trade your life with. Dealing with negative comments includes processing the emotional part, as well as the logical part.
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PIN FOR LATER 🙂
2) Separate their truth from yours.
“And if you want to do anything in your life, there comes a point where you’re done with explaining and defending yourself and your decisions. You let people think whatever they need to think, and you focus on your part of the equation. You focus on who you want to be and what you want to do.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
When you’ve acknowledged how you feel and allowed yourself to sit with your emotions for a while, you might feel clearer to move on to the next part.
We can receive negative comments in all areas of our lives. It could be your boyfriend criticizing a meal that you spent 3 hours cooking. Or you feel excited to share a new idea for a project at work, only to hear your boss dissecting each part of it and telling you why it’s wrong. Or you share with a colleague that you’ve signed up to a gym, and she says, “You’ve never stuck to training for longer than 2 days. What makes you think you’ll stick this time? You’re just wasting your money.”
And, sure, it would be nice to hear some encouragement and words of affirmation. But the truth is that we can’t always rely on external support and understanding. Sometimes, other people’s approach is going to be different from the one you want. Also, their truth is going to be different from yours. And if you don’t want to lose your enthusiasm and sense of self-worth, it’s essential to separate their truth from yours.
You get to give meaning to the negative comment or take all the meaning out of it.
Imagine the sentence “You’re wasting your money on the gym; you know you won’t stick with it for longer than two days.” written on the balloon. Your colleague offers you that balloon and says you can keep it by your bed as a reminder. Would you take it? Would you take the balloon that has a disempowering statement and keep it on your bedside table?
I’ll go ahead and assume you wouldn’t. You might think to yourself, “I’m good, thanks. I already have a balloon that says ‘Gym at 6 pm! We can do it!”
You don’t have to argue with every person whose truth is different from yours. But when you’re alone, in your own energy, you get to sit down and remind yourself that they get to keep their truth. And you get to keep yours. Because yours just feels so much better. Let their opinion float like a balloon and let it go. Or, in your mind, give it back to them if you have no use for it.
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3) What are you making it mean?
“People who think, “Who does she think she is?” are the same people who don’t allow themselves to aim higher than their current level. Their opinion has nothing to do with your potential and everything to do with the limits they put on themselves.”
― Ivana Skoric, She’s Intense
If we let them, negative comments can have the power to stop us from moving forward, feeling good about ourselves, and going after what excites us.
If you have already doubted your ability to succeed, someone telling you, “This field is too saturated already. The ones that were meant to succeed already did,” can solidify your self-doubt and be that last straw that makes you give up completely.
If you already felt insecure about your body, your boyfriend telling you that shorts don’t suit you can have so much power that you quit wearing shorts for the next 5 years.
If you already see yourself as a person who can’t follow through and stay disciplined, your colleague telling you how she just knows you won’t stick to your gym plan can reinforce your lack of self-belief and make you question your goals, thinking, “She’s right. What’s the point of even trying?”
The good news is that while we can’t control what other people think or say, we can control what we think and do about it.
You get to decide if you want to give meaning to the negative comment. Dealing with negative comments includes asking yourself, “Where do I want to go from here? What do I want to do with this comment?”
The next time you receive a comment that’s hurtful or that doesn’t sit well with you, ask yourself:
– What are you making it mean?
– What’s a helpful way to think about it? (For example, “It’s their opinion based on their own fears, experiences, and limiting beliefs. I get to create my opinion that’s going to support me, not limit me and make me feel worse.”)
– If my best friend received the same words, what advice would I give her?
And move forward from a sovereign place, knowing that you are in control of your response and actions.
If it’s useful feedback that’s going to make your life better, great. But if it’s just someone’s unnecessary opinion said to make you feel small or to make themselves feel more powerful, you don’t have to keep it. Let them keep their balloons.
If you liked this post and want to further explore creating your own path in life no matter what other people think, my book She’s Intense is for you. Over 209 pages, I guide you to uncover your unique path, make decisions independent of what others think, and never settle for less. Get it on Amazon.
Until next time,
Ivana
This is such an awesome post! I am going to share it on my page
This is a great post!! Especially now a days when everyone is on social media and can say anything. They don’t feel the consequences of their actions because they literally can not see how it affects someone.
Great tips! Some time or another we all have to deal with that jerk hiding behind their keyboard talking junk for whatever reason. Sometimes it’s hard to know how to react, or if you should react at all! Your tips really touch on all the bases of how to handle this. Love it!
I so need to read this at least once a week. Especially number 3! Thanks for sharing.
I think I used to take negative comments more personally. (I used to actually feel bad and go to the trouble of deleting them.) Now, I respond what something cheerful—that probably confuses the person who left it—and I leave it. I figure that anyone else thinking of doing the same thing will realize that I don’t care that much and will refrain from piling on. Thanks for sharing insight on a common problem.